Beer Jokes. This should be good...

Discussion in 'Beer Talk' started by Lingenbrau, Jun 29, 2016.

  1. Lingenbrau

    Lingenbrau Poo-Bah (2,963) Apr 9, 2011 Oregon

    Haven't seen a dedicated thread to beer jokes, and after having lunch with a crazy Australian friend, I decided to start one. Please contribute if you got any. He tells me:

    Q: "What's the difference between Bud Light and (making love) in a Kayak?"

    A: "They're both f*cking close to water!"

    Made me laugh. Too inappropriate of a starter? Whatever, it's a joke. Cheers!
    MoreBeer4me, Amendm, GOBLIN and 25 others like this.
  2. loebrygg

    loebrygg Initiate (165) Jun 4, 2016 Norway

  3. PatrickCT

    PatrickCT Poo-Bah (1,759) Feb 18, 2015 Connecticut

    What are the most common last words of rednecks?

    "Well, hold my beer and watch this!"
  4. Lingenbrau

    Lingenbrau Poo-Bah (2,963) Apr 9, 2011 Oregon

    Well, guess I know where he got that one then! Damn Bruce's. HA! Cheers!

    P.S. Welcome to BA!
    Karnivool1, Ozzylizard and Geuzedad like this.
  5. Shanex

    Shanex Moderator (1,253) Dec 10, 2015 France
    Premium Trader

    Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

    A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game.
  6. AdmiralOzone

    AdmiralOzone Poo-Bah (1,577) Jun 26, 2014 Minnesota
    Premium Trader

    Definition of a balanced diet? A beer in each hand.

    I'll be bock.
    Amendm, JLaw55, RaphaelSC and 35 others like this.
  7. dcotom

    dcotom Poo-Bah (2,039) Aug 4, 2014 Iowa
    Premium Trader

    There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

    "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

    "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

    redeemer, Amendm, LarryV and 41 others like this.
  8. Tripel_Threat

    Tripel_Threat Poo-Bah (2,192) Jun 29, 2014 Michigan
    Premium Trader

    I was all hopped up for this thread, (I really could not wheat for some good ones) but there's barley any jokes. Doesn't seem rye-ght.
    Now, excuse me, I have to Schlitz.
  9. cavedave

    cavedave Poo-Bah (2,468) Mar 12, 2009 New York

    Gak, guess I'll grin and beer it.
  10. paresis

    paresis Zealot (590) Apr 10, 2011 Massachusetts

    An oldie

    An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints.

    The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

    The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow.

    The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
  11. Geuzedad

    Geuzedad Initiate (0) Nov 14, 2010 Arizona

    My friend and I were at the local pub drinking the other night. I looked over and said, "Hey man, look at those two old drunk bastards over there. That'll be us in a few more years". He glanced over, looked at me and said "You drunk idiot, that a mirror!"
    Amendm, LarryV, RaphaelSC and 32 others like this.
  12. mickyge

    mickyge Crusader (768) Nov 1, 2014 Massachusetts
    Premium Trader

    Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

    The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

    She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

    "I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.
    LeRose, Dreyski, Amendm and 48 others like this.
  13. FBarber

    FBarber Poo-Bah (2,510) Mar 5, 2016 Illinois
    Premium Trader

    That joke is supposed the have the Scotsman saying that to the fly as it was more a joke about the stereotype of Scottish Presbyterians' extreme thriftiness (read cheapness) :wink:
    5thOhio, SudsDoctor, Amendm and 12 others like this.
  14. TheWiltChamberlainofipas

    TheWiltChamberlainofipas Devotee (445) Apr 7, 2015 Oregon

    A man walks into a bar and up to the counter. The bartender asks him, "what can I get for you today." The man replies, "I'll take three glasses of your most rare bourbon barrel aged russian imperial stout." As fast as the bartender was pouring the man was downing the beers even faster one after another. Stunned the bartender asks, "I've never seen anyone drink that fast before." "You'd drink that fast if you had what I had," said the man. "What do you have," asks the bartender. Turning around the man replies, "fifty cents."
    5thOhio, Amendm, LarryV and 26 others like this.
  15. dcotom

    dcotom Poo-Bah (2,039) Aug 4, 2014 Iowa
    Premium Trader

    A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
    Amendm, LarryV, moose1980 and 17 others like this.
  16. Hoppy_Time

    Hoppy_Time Initiate (0) Jan 3, 2016 Maine

    A roman walks into a bar and holds up the peace sign to the bartender and says he needs 5 beers.

    Are you cold and wet? Try holding your beer upright.

    Did you know beer contains estrogen? When you drink too much you lose your ability to drive and stop talking. (Sorry Ladies)

    A man walks into bar.

    He says "Ouch".

    Sorry, I'm notorious for dad jokes.
  17. mickyge

    mickyge Crusader (768) Nov 1, 2014 Massachusetts
    Premium Trader

    I liked the Roman one, it took a minute to get.
  18. butters_mcgee

    butters_mcgee Devotee (495) Feb 26, 2014 New York

    A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.
  19. Shanex

    Shanex Moderator (1,253) Dec 10, 2015 France
    Premium Trader

    A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
  20. Karnivool1

    Karnivool1 Initiate (0) Dec 28, 2014 Illinois

    After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
    The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
    The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
    The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
    The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
    LeRose, Amendm, Ozzylizard and 7 others like this.
  21. santa216

    santa216 Initiate (154) Mar 23, 2011 Indiana

    A Texan walks into an Irish pub and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

    The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"

    The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
  22. Iamjeff6

    Iamjeff6 Champion (860) Sep 9, 2013 Virginia

    We should rename this Macro beer jokes...
  23. benbking

    benbking Aspirant (211) Dec 11, 2009 Rhode Island

    There's an old classic that can be found by googling "Irish Sausage Joke". I've told it enough, you can go look it up.
    Amendm, colts9016, beertrip and 2 others like this.
  24. FBarber

    FBarber Poo-Bah (2,510) Mar 5, 2016 Illinois
    Premium Trader

    A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze with it?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"


    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and sat down next to it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

    Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

    The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
    #24 FBarber, Jun 30, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2016
  25. bradoo7

    bradoo7 Initiate (61) Dec 19, 2010 Colorado

    A horse walks into the bar and the bartender says "Hey fella, why the long face?" -My 5yr old daughter.

    Wonder where she gets it from?
    Amendm, kemoarps, PapaGoose03 and 5 others like this.
  26. jmasher85

    jmasher85 Zealot (560) Mar 27, 2015 Maryland

    Funny, I thought that was a Westerosi joke about a Lannister, a Martell, and a Stark...
  27. GameOfBeers

    GameOfBeers Initiate (0) Jul 21, 2014 Pennsylvania

    Natty Light

    waiting to see if anyone gets this...
  28. GameOfBeers

    GameOfBeers Initiate (0) Jul 21, 2014 Pennsylvania

    Hahahaha! Yes, yes it is!
    jmasher85 likes this.
  29. LeRose

    LeRose Meyvn (1,348) Nov 24, 2011 Massachusetts

    Many versions of this one exist - this is not the best, but it is fairly short. The art of the pun lies n the set up...


    Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s, there were a lot of folks who thought so.
    Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural -- a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon whose fast ball blew away the best hitters. His triple digit fastball made even his catcher cringe. His 90 MPH curve ball would start out like it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike. His change up made the best hitters in the league cry.

    He was indeed awesome!

    Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame? Why haven't you ever heard of him?

    Alas, like many others before him, Mel's downfall was demon alcohol.

    Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the glass. His drinking became almost legendary around the country, but he never let it affect his pitching until The Braves and the Yankees were in the World Series!

    Excitement reigned!

    The series was tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and deciding game.

    The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better of him. He sneaked out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases of beer.

    As you might imagine, the next morning Mel was suffering the effects.

    But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine -- until the bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead by one run, two out, and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up to him.

    Eight straight pitches -- eight straight balls. He walked in the tying run and the winning run, thereby, losing the game and the series.

    After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last two players that faced Mel. "Tell me," he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over the best pitcher in the major leagues"?

    In unison they replied, ... "It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!
    Amendm, lrend13, VABA and 16 others like this.
  30. cavedave

    cavedave Poo-Bah (2,468) Mar 12, 2009 New York

    Guy wakes up on his front steps, head pounding, can barely see, notices his lawn is torn up with tire tracks, his bushes are run over, and his car is smashed into the wall beneath the bow window. "Well, at least I made it home last night," he thinks. Then he remembers he hadn't gone out.
  31. MikeP64

    MikeP64 Initiate (162) Jan 24, 2015 South Carolina

    Did you hear about the bar on the moon?...great beer list but no atmosphere...

    What kind of beer do you make in a bucket?? Pale Ale!

    A bunny walks into a bar and orders a carrot juice. The surly bartender says 'We don't have carrot juice'.
    Next day the bunny comes back. "I'll have a carrot juice"...The surly bartender says "Look bunny...I told you yesterday we don't have carrot juice...If you come back in here again I'm gonna nail your foot to the floor!"
    The bunny leaves but of course comes back in the next day and asks "Do you have a hammer?" The bartender says "No'
    The bunny then replies "Then I'll have a carrot juice!"
    Amendm, LarryV, RaphaelSC and 13 others like this.
  32. Karnivool1

    Karnivool1 Initiate (0) Dec 28, 2014 Illinois

    Sorry for posting a similar joke @dcotom. I'll try and redeem myself! I'm mostly Irish and this one has always been a favorite.

    What's an idea of an Irish vacation?
    A different bar.......
  33. dcotom

    dcotom Poo-Bah (2,039) Aug 4, 2014 Iowa
    Premium Trader

    For your enjoyment, a few punch lines from old bar jokes:

    "I'll have vinegar and water."
    "If I wasn't an old billiards drinker from way back, I'd swear that was piss."
    "At eight bucks a beer, I'm not surprised."
    "No, but if you'll hum a few bars, I'll see what I can do."
    "Before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow, he was an alligator."
    "He ain't much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over twelve motorcycles on his way out of the parking lot."
    "I didn't want to fight. I just wanted to know who the sons of bitches were."
    "Iceberg, Goldberg..."
    Amendm, sharpski, PVMT and 1 other person like this.
  34. TongoRad

    TongoRad Poo-Bah (2,521) Jun 3, 2004 New Jersey
    Premium Trader

    I recommend that you never tell that one in person, unless you enjoy being hit :wink:.
  35. Donkey_Hote

    Donkey_Hote Initiate (0) Jun 30, 2016 Illinois

    One of my faves...

    A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

    The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

    He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

    The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."

    The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."

    The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."
  36. GameOfBeers

    GameOfBeers Initiate (0) Jul 21, 2014 Pennsylvania

    Amendm likes this.
  37. jparizo

    jparizo Initiate (105) Jan 16, 2011 Indiana

    A man walks into a bar...ow.
    kemoarps likes this.
  38. cavedave

    cavedave Poo-Bah (2,468) Mar 12, 2009 New York

    You forgot, "I'm not surprised at these prices."
    Amendm and dcotom like this.
  39. MistaRyte

    MistaRyte Devotee (445) Jan 14, 2008 Virginia

    Ham and eggs walks into a bar... the bartender yells "HEY! WE DON'T SERVE BREAKFAST HERE!"

    Guy walks into a bar. The peanuts say "that's a lovely shirt you're wearing" while the cigarette machine says "you've got the ugliest mug I've ever seen". Bartender says "Sorry, the nuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order."
  40. Tripel_Threat

    Tripel_Threat Poo-Bah (2,192) Jun 29, 2014 Michigan
    Premium Trader

    A Lannister always pulls his draughts.

    And I understand Ned Stark orders his without head.
    CMLinder likes this.