Beer Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'Beer Talk' started by Gajo74, Mar 26, 2020.

  1. Gajo74

    Gajo74 Poo-Bah (3,188) Sep 14, 2014 New York
    Society Trader

    We all have a lot of time on our hands and need a good laugh. I remembered the following thread:
    Unfortunately it’s closed. Can we re-open it? Me first.

    A drunk staggers out of a bar and sees two priests. He slurs to the 1st priest “do you (hiccup) know who I (hiccup) am? I’m Jesus (hiccup) Christ!” The priest responds “ no my son, you are not him” The drunk then repeats the same claim to the 2nd priest, who replies “I’m sorry my son but you are not the son of God”.

    Undeterred, the drunk grabs the two priests by the arm, escorts them to the bar and slurs “ I will (hiccup) prove to you I’m Jesus (hiccup) Christ”. When they enter, the bartender groans “Jesus Christ you’re back!!”
  2. FBarber

    FBarber Poo-Bah (6,247) Mar 5, 2016 Illinois
    Moderator Society Trader

    2 of my favorites:

    A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze with it?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"


    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and sat down next to it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

    Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

    The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
  3. cavedave

    cavedave Poo-Bah (3,098) Mar 12, 2009 New York
    Society Trader

    You know you have a drinking problem when you wake up in the morning in ripped clothes, at the bottom of your front steps, with your car keys in your hand, and the lawn is ripped up with tire tracks, and the hedges are run over, and you think to yourself, "Well, least I made it back from the bar." Then you remember you stayed home last night.
  4. Gajo74

    Gajo74 Poo-Bah (3,188) Sep 14, 2014 New York
    Society Trader

    Why doesn’t Jesus buy beer?
  5. Ranbot

    Ranbot Defender (668) Nov 27, 2006 Pennsylvania

    That's the stuff! More 1 or 2 liners please. I don't think I've ever heard story-joke worth the punchline unless told by a professional comedian.
  6. cavedave

    cavedave Poo-Bah (3,098) Mar 12, 2009 New York
    Society Trader

    Maybe post a few of your own of that type to show us what you mean, and keep us motivated?
  7. Gajo74

    Gajo74 Poo-Bah (3,188) Sep 14, 2014 New York
    Society Trader

    How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer.
  8. milkshakebeersucks

    milkshakebeersucks Meyvn (1,200) Feb 10, 2020 Maryland

    What's the difference between hops and chickpeas?

    Trump would never pay for hops on his face
  9. lordofthewiens

    lordofthewiens Poo-Bah (5,625) Sep 17, 2005 New Mexico

    What do you get when you cross a potato with a penis?
    A dictator.
  10. Gajo74

    Gajo74 Poo-Bah (3,188) Sep 14, 2014 New York
    Society Trader

    Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean.....against walls, chairs and tables.
  11. Ranbot

    Ranbot Defender (668) Nov 27, 2006 Pennsylvania

    I would but I don't remember any beer-specific jokes requested, but this is kind of close...

    A grasshopper sits down at a bar and the bartender says, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?" The grasshopper looks at him strangely and says, "Why would you name a drink Bob?!?!"
    (^ that's as long of a story I can handle for a joke)

    And pirates like to drink so...
    What's a pirate's favorite letter? ARRRRRR!

    How do you know if you're a pirate? You just ARRRR!

    How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ear pierced? A buccaneer!

    You asked for it, @cavedave!

  12. HouseofWortship

    HouseofWortship Meyvn (1,347) May 3, 2016 Illinois
    Society Trader

    At what point do you throw away a billions dollars? The Ballast Point!
  13. shlub

    shlub Initiate (134) Jan 11, 2008 Minnesota

    Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks.
  14. NYR-Zuuuuc

    NYR-Zuuuuc Disciple (394) Jan 1, 2013 Connecticut

    Penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Have you seen my brother?"
    Bartender says 'I don't know, what's he look like?"
  15. NYR-Zuuuuc

    NYR-Zuuuuc Disciple (394) Jan 1, 2013 Connecticut

    A Priest, Rabbi and a Blonde walk into a bar.
    Bartender says, 'What is this, some sort of Joke?"
    BigIronH, BJB13, kemoarps and 10 others like this.
  16. DragonflyJones

    DragonflyJones Initiate (0) Mar 22, 2018 Illinois

    A Roman walks into a bar
    He holds up two fingers and says "Give me five beers.”


    What's an Irish vacation?
    A different bar.
  17. Amendm

    Amendm Meyvn (1,097) Jun 7, 2018 Florida

    Some old friends are drinking at a bar. One guy says " I gotta get home, the wife was mad as hell because I came home drunk with beer all over my shirt last week."

    One of his friends says " Man up and have another beer." So he does. An hour later the guy is loaded and spills beer all over his shirt. "Oh no, the wife is going to kill me this time".

    One of the guys friends says " Listen, just put a 10 dollar bill in your pocket so it sticks out so she can see it and tell her some other guy spilled his drink on you a gave you the 10 spot for dry cleaning".

    So the guy staggers home and his angry wife is waiting at the door. The guy says " Honey, some guy spilled a drink on me and gave me $10 to have it cleaned".

    The wife says "That's a 20 in your pocket".
    The guy says "That's because he shit my pants for me also.
  18. SierraNevallagash

    SierraNevallagash Meyvn (1,115) Sep 23, 2018 Maine

    A lot of these are bar/drinking jokes. I wanna see some cheesy beer jokes!

    What is the brewery in The Sims video game called? Sim Co.

    Steve bet Lee $10 that he wouldn't eat a whole cup of brewer's yeast. To his amazement, Lee ate it all in one go. The next day, Steve comes by and presents the money. "Hi Lee! A ten - you ate it!".

    How did a beer make a living in the forest?

    He became a lager.

    Don't judge. I came up with these in like two minutes.
  19. Bitterbill

    Bitterbill Poo-Bah (8,118) Sep 14, 2002 Wyoming

    Do you know who I am?...Do you mind asking around?

  20. Gajo74

    Gajo74 Poo-Bah (3,188) Sep 14, 2014 New York
    Society Trader

    Craft Beer. It isn’t alcoholism. It’s a hobby.
  21. Bitterbill

    Bitterbill Poo-Bah (8,118) Sep 14, 2002 Wyoming

    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

    The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

    The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

    The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
  22. Gajo74

    Gajo74 Poo-Bah (3,188) Sep 14, 2014 New York
    Society Trader

  23. Gajo74

    Gajo74 Poo-Bah (3,188) Sep 14, 2014 New York
    Society Trader

    When I drink beer IPA lot.
  24. Bitterbill

    Bitterbill Poo-Bah (8,118) Sep 14, 2002 Wyoming

    Remember the oldie aboot American beer?

    Why is American beer like a canoe? Because it's so close to water.
  25. Bitterbill

    Bitterbill Poo-Bah (8,118) Sep 14, 2002 Wyoming

    Not a joke per say but I always get a chuckle when I read Snake River's catchphrase, run our river through your liver.
  26. Ranbot

    Ranbot Defender (668) Nov 27, 2006 Pennsylvania

    I heard a variation on that... How is American beer like having sex in a canoe? Because it's fucking close to water.
  27. Tilley4

    Tilley4 Poo-Bah (2,466) Nov 13, 2007 Tennessee
    Society Trader

    I literally laughed out loud at this
  28. JrGtr

    JrGtr Devotee (471) Apr 13, 2006 Massachusetts

    A Priest, Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar.
    One of them says, 'Hey, you hear the one about us?"
  29. Gajo74

    Gajo74 Poo-Bah (3,188) Sep 14, 2014 New York
    Society Trader

    An Irishman finds a lamp and rubs it. Out comes the genie and grants him one wish. The man thinks about it and replies “well..I love Guinness...I want Guinness anytime I want”. The genie replies “no problem..from now on, whenever you have to pee, your urine will be Guinness!”

    The man runs home and bellows yo his wife “Sinhead! Bring me two pint glasses from the cupboard!” Sinhead does as told and the man proceeds to pee a black liquid with a creamy foam head onto the glass. He orders his wife to try it. “Seamus, this is the best Guinness I’ve ever tasted!” replies Sinhead. The couple party till dawn.

    The next night Seamus comes home. “Sinhead bring two glasses!”. Seamus and Sinhead again drink Guinness and party till dawn. This pattern repeats itself all week.

    Come Friday, Seamus comes home and says “Bring me one glass!”. Sinhead replies “Seamus, why only one glass?” Seamus replies “because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle!”

    • joke adapted by myself for BA to be more beer centric. In the original version I heard the characters are Russian, the man is Boris, the wife is Natasha and the liquid is...of course,,,vodka.
  30. Reef

    Reef Meyvn (1,133) Dec 2, 2016 South Carolina

    <Googles “Guinness Joke”>

    A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They each buy a pint of Guiness beer.
    Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
    The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

    The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

    The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!"

  31. Insomniac

    Insomniac Disciple (332) Nov 5, 2019 Canada (ON)

    What is the best beer in the world?

    ...the one in your hand.
  32. Trull

    Trull Disciple (383) Dec 24, 2016 Massachusetts

    An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

    “Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”

    Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”
  33. 67couple

    67couple Aspirant (248) Jan 31, 2006 South Carolina

    A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
  34. Rainintheface

    Rainintheface Savant (985) Apr 30, 2007 Florida

    Three pieces of string are walking down the street and one of them says let's go in the bar and get a drink. Second piece says they won't serve us, we're just string. So the first piece goes in to try and the bartender says " I'm not serving you ,you're a piece of string.
    Second piece tries and gets same answer from the bartender.
    Third piece of string scrapes himself up and down on the curb and ties himself up, goes in an orders a drink. Bartender says " Look, I'm not serving you. You're a piece of string."
    To which he replies, " I'm a frayed knot."
  35. hottenot

    hottenot Initiate (0) Aug 13, 2018 North Carolina

    What is a 7 course meal for (insert stereotype)?

    A six pack and a tuber of choice.

    A PC Irish Joke. Involving a six pack and a potato.
  36. Rainintheface

    Rainintheface Savant (985) Apr 30, 2007 Florida

    My bad. Just saw as I was rereading post.
  37. Troutbeerbum

    Troutbeerbum Initiate (0) Dec 5, 2016 Maine

  38. Amendm

    Amendm Meyvn (1,097) Jun 7, 2018 Florida

    Your joke is unfair and is an incorrect stereotype. I had four Beers, potato, cabbage and carrots this evening.
  39. meanmutt

    meanmutt Meyvn (1,121) Feb 6, 2012 Ohio

    Not technically a joke...but a funny beer mug my dad has had since I was a little kid...

  40. Schempy

    Schempy Initiate (0) Oct 8, 2014 Arizona

    How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Two: one to hold the lightbulb and the other to drink until the room starts spinning.