Best quotes from reviews

This one is easy. Just read UGADawgGuy's review of Sam Adams Triple Bock.

Here's a snippet: "As soon as the thick, tarry stool sample caressed my tongue, I knew I had been fundamentally changed. The rumors were true. Triple Bock tastes at once sickly sweet (like vomit after you've eaten a stack of pancakes drizzled with maple syrup), bone-chillingly sour (like soy sauce brewed in 1910, or vinegar derived from an eagle's tears), and improbably alluring. A second sip unveiled notes of mulch pile, fresh giraffe manure, and 9-volt battery."

I go back and read the entire review whenever I'm feeling blue. It's an instant pick me up.

 

I don't have a specific quote, but I know @maximum12 has some great ones.

 

This guy's a kook:

"Pliny poured a gorgeous glowing gold. It looks like the mystery contents of Marcellus Wallace's brief case when viewed by Vincent Vega."

@sergeantstogie

 

Can't recall the specifics, just that a reviewer gave a super low score to a German helles and wrote an angry review centered around the question, "Where's all the hops?!!?"

 

Drop the freak'n mike! Awesome....

 

You have your moments too it seems. From your mini-review of Natural Light:

"No off flavors and very drinkable. Not awful. Plus it's natural so it's healthy."

 

"The alcohol reveals itself in flashes of warmth like sunlight peeking through the branches of a tree."

 

"
This is the shit. The Shit. Seriously. Nothing says let's go camping, find some inbreds, and let them shove a banjo up our asses like Bud Light & Clamato. I find myself gravitating towards flannel shirts when I crack open a 25 oz. bad boy, and later I am grasping my hatchet when I wake up on the splintery floor of my dad's Winnebago, drowning in empty Bud Light & Clamato cans and empty Cheez-It boxes. 10/10 will drink again. Woo Pig Sooie.

"

 

"once again, hopefully the hype train stops in Chicago for another pretty average beer..."

 

Might be a bit too Pittsburgh-centric for some folks to pick up on the analogies, but @Stigs has been on his review game recently...gotta give him a plug...

Snippet below from this review: http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/32390/131834/?ba=Stigs

"Carries a bit of that kettle-soured reflux profile, like having one too many slices of Fiori's before laying down on the couch and watching old Steelers highlights. The tartness lingers moderately before hitting the brakes sharply like a white woman approaching the Squirrel Hill tunnels, fading into a starchy nothingness a la Primanti's fries."

 

" the worst, flattest, most despicable attempt at beer ever made, along with urine, the souls of children, and a mixture of dead kittens and my shattered hopes and dreams."

You'll find a lot of stuff like this if you sort the reviews of crazy ed's cave creek chili beer from lowest to highest.

 

"This one time... at band camp... I stuck a Bud Light Clamato up my @ss and it actually made it taste better."

 

Here's another good one: http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/1464/79633/?ba=Ryan011235

"Poured into a snifter on 6/1/12

Much appreciation to MbpBugeye for burning the hell out of every palate at the tasting.

A) Murky gold with flakes. No head or lace.

S) Chili peppers. So hot. That's it.

T) Holy shit.

M) Pain. Scathing, enduring pain.

O) Fuck that."

 

"It tastes like sadness feels"


"It tastes like someone secretly replaced my ordinary stout with the love child of Juan Valdez and Betty Crocker after an all-weekend long brownie bender."

 

Sorry for all the posts, but I love this topic...finding hilarious reviewers on this site is kind of a passion of mine...

Another beauty from @Ryan011235

"The treachery of the aroma doesn't entirely carry over to the flavor but, man, this is not good. Processed cheese, oregano, basil, faint tomato, the burden of knowledge, self-loathing, squandered chances, wasted years, shame. It makes you question the choices you've made, how your life wound up like this & why you hurt the ones you love."

 

From a review of this beer:

http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/16991/42484/

"Gotta give this motherfucker a 5 for appearance as this brewery does not fuck around. Served from a goddamn 2 liter plastic bottle with a screw cap. I respect the shit out of this already and I have not gotten to my two favorite parts. They put the goddamn nutritional facts on there which is lovely as who the fuck does not want to know what the exact makeup of the nutritious concoction that is about to fill one's gullet? This guy does. And now for the best part...in the bottle floating around like deer shit on the 9th hole's fairway are motherfucking raisins. I'm not sure what the exact name is for the trifecta of a 2 liter plastic bottle, nutritional information, and raisins, but I'm pretty certain it's known as the "Tripel MotherFucking Crown".

Anywho..."beer" poured into some vessel looking like the abandoned stepchild of Dr. Pepper, Dr. Skipper (who is not an MD, but a DO). Raisin look as delicious as ever. Head is not much, but I think that most will agree that the raisins more than make up for it. Surprisingly I'm not loving the smell. A little bit of burnt rubber and bread along with soda. Taste is a little better with a lot of bread and other things. Carbonation is fine.

Not a beer that I will drink again, but goddamn...we have reached a new level of packaging."

 

YES!!! That's what I'm talking about...that's how it's done.

 

Re: Voodoo Doughnut Maple Bacon
"...I had to rinse my tulip glass twice."

 

@Christopher_Hoagie's review of Busch Light

"The finest of historical lagers, found myself a 2007 vintage that my wife surprisingly cellared for me. She made the pour perfectly with just the right amount of light head.

Notes of the Smoky Mountains, and so cold my nipples could cut glass.

Would highly recommend on a special occasion."

 

Bourbonic Plague by Cascade Brewing Company (USA)

Bourbon, menthol, tartness, over ripe fruit. Tastes like grandma's taint.

 

I forget who, or what the beer was, but this user only had like 1 or 2 total reviews.

"This tastes like Jesus cream."

 

I got the stink eye from one of my clients because I'm reading this thread and couldn't contain my laughter. She really thought I was laughing at her.

 

HAHA!! Seriously just happened to me with the last 4 people walking by my office!

 

"It's like they combined Hitler's bodily fluids (and I do mean ALL of them) with smegma."

@kojevergas on Budweiser & Clamato Chelada. His review sounds like the lyrics of a goregrind album, in the best way possible.

 

With apologies to Ned Beatty and his immortalized character! How come I cannot find @northyorksammys reviews? Those are absolute comic wonders.

 

@Villiam 's review of Leinenkugel's Snowdrift Vanilla Porter is brilliant and surreal:

Little to no head on this brew. Smells of vanilla and coffee. The first taste had a solid vanilla flavor and a slight bitterness. I tries to cleanse the palate with Cheetoes but wiped my hands on the drapes and caught them on fire. Would not burn down my house again for. 2.75/5

 

"Oh Steel, you were so cheap
Your 8.1 ABV I decided to reap
BeerAdvocate asked me about your mouthfeel
And honestly, you make my tastebuds peel

Lets be honest, I am poor
So I decided to buy one more
I poured you into my frosted mug
The next morning I felt beaten by a thug

Oh Steel, you taste like liquid metal
Oh Steel, I feel like I'm licking a kettle
Please, Steel, you don't look that bad
But, honestly, you smell like a sweaty dad.

"

 

@RaulMondesi writes the best reviews, this sounds like one of his.

http://www.beeradvocate.com/user/beers/?ba=RaulMondesi

 

Creative, and a great reference.

 

What ever happened to Overlord? He had some beauties. I haven't seen anything from him in quite awhile.

 

I know I had some Thompson-esque lines in some of my reviews, but I'll be damned if I can find them.

 

I have some pretty great ones too, usually pertaining to the Schlitz series but I feel it would be odd to quote my own

 

Exactly. Someone else find my good lines, and post them.

 

This thread has brought great joy to me on a dreary Monday, thank you friends

 

Can't remember what beer it was, but I think it went something like this..."I took one sip and my face looked like Don Knotts scared shitless."

 

No doubt. All I could think about today was having to work the next 11 days straight, but this lightened my mood. Well, this thread and a couple of SA Octos.