Best quotes from reviews

Discussion in 'Beer Talk' started by sergeantstogie, Sep 21, 2015.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. sergeantstogie

    sergeantstogie Initiate (0) Nov 16, 2010 Washington

    I just come across this gem "It's as smooth as a 1970's deep voiced smooth talking black pimp trying to pick up your momma" and had to laugh. Then I was wondering whywas his momma in the company of pimps. Was she the property of one pimp and being wooed by another pimp? Was his was momma hot? Why was he around while she was "working"? Anyway, ever read any funny lines in a review?
    Rug, BigIronH, Lahey and 20 others like this.
  2. obrike

    obrike Savant (1,141) Jun 19, 2009 Texas

    This one is easy. Just read UGADawgGuy's review of Sam Adams Triple Bock.

    Here's a snippet: "As soon as the thick, tarry stool sample caressed my tongue, I knew I had been fundamentally changed. The rumors were true. Triple Bock tastes at once sickly sweet (like vomit after you've eaten a stack of pancakes drizzled with maple syrup), bone-chillingly sour (like soy sauce brewed in 1910, or vinegar derived from an eagle's tears), and improbably alluring. A second sip unveiled notes of mulch pile, fresh giraffe manure, and 9-volt battery."

    I go back and read the entire review whenever I'm feeling blue. It's an instant pick me up.
    #2 obrike, Sep 21, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2015
  3. Fargrow

    Fargrow Initiate (0) Feb 7, 2013 Michigan

    I don't have a specific quote, but I know @maximum12 has some great ones.
    Lucular and maximum12 like this.
  4. Immortale25

    Immortale25 Grand Pooh-Bah (3,489) May 13, 2011 North Carolina
    Pooh-Bah Trader

    This guy's a kook:

    "Pliny poured a gorgeous glowing gold. It looks like the mystery contents of Marcellus Wallace's brief case when viewed by Vincent Vega."

    @sergeantstogie :wink:
    BigIronH, Balareon, Graffy and 39 others like this.
  5. bleakies

    bleakies Maven (1,319) Apr 11, 2011 Massachusetts

    Can't recall the specifics, just that a reviewer gave a super low score to a German helles and wrote an angry review centered around the question, "Where's all the hops?!!?"
    Lahey, Balareon, FBarber and 7 others like this.
  6. Jnashed

    Jnashed Initiate (0) Feb 14, 2014 Virginia

    Drop the freak'n mike! Awesome....
  7. Immortale25

    Immortale25 Grand Pooh-Bah (3,489) May 13, 2011 North Carolina
    Pooh-Bah Trader

    You have your moments too it seems. From your mini-review of Natural Light:

    "No off flavors and very drinkable. Not awful. Plus it's natural so it's healthy."
    bret717, Lahey, ElGallo and 25 others like this.
  8. sergeantstogie

    sergeantstogie Initiate (0) Nov 16, 2010 Washington

    Wow. I just punched myself in the nuts over that.
  9. hophead723

    hophead723 Initiate (0) Jan 9, 2015 California

    "The alcohol reveals itself in flashes of warmth like sunlight peeking through the branches of a tree."
  10. Raime

    Raime Pooh-Bah (1,935) Jun 4, 2012 Korea (North)

    This is the shit. The Shit. Seriously. Nothing says let's go camping, find some inbreds, and let them shove a banjo up our asses like Bud Light & Clamato. I find myself gravitating towards flannel shirts when I crack open a 25 oz. bad boy, and later I am grasping my hatchet when I wake up on the splintery floor of my dad's Winnebago, drowning in empty Bud Light & Clamato cans and empty Cheez-It boxes. 10/10 will drink again. Woo Pig Sooie.

    BigIronH, dbl_delta, Lahey and 39 others like this.
  11. Domingo

    Domingo Grand Pooh-Bah (3,896) Apr 23, 2005 Colorado

    "once again, hopefully the hype train stops in Chicago for another pretty average beer..."
  12. kbuzz

    kbuzz Initiate (0) Jan 22, 2011 North Carolina

    Might be a bit too Pittsburgh-centric for some folks to pick up on the analogies, but @Stigs has been on his review game recently...gotta give him a plug...

    Snippet below from this review:

    "Carries a bit of that kettle-soured reflux profile, like having one too many slices of Fiori's before laying down on the couch and watching old Steelers highlights. The tartness lingers moderately before hitting the brakes sharply like a white woman approaching the Squirrel Hill tunnels, fading into a starchy nothingness a la Primanti's fries."
  13. CheapHysterics

    CheapHysterics Initiate (0) Apr 1, 2009 Pennsylvania

    " the worst, flattest, most despicable attempt at beer ever made, along with urine, the souls of children, and a mixture of dead kittens and my shattered hopes and dreams."

    You'll find a lot of stuff like this if you sort the reviews of crazy ed's cave creek chili beer from lowest to highest.
    Rug, Balareon, Big_V and 16 others like this.
  14. teraflx

    teraflx Initiate (0) Feb 4, 2013 Arizona

    "This one time... at band camp... I stuck a Bud Light Clamato up my @ss and it actually made it taste better."
    Rug, Balareon, jakecattleco and 21 others like this.
  15. sergeantstogie

    sergeantstogie Initiate (0) Nov 16, 2010 Washington

    That's t-shirt worthy.
  16. kbuzz

    kbuzz Initiate (0) Jan 22, 2011 North Carolina

    Here's another good one:

    "Poured into a snifter on 6/1/12

    Much appreciation to MbpBugeye for burning the hell out of every palate at the tasting.

    A) Murky gold with flakes. No head or lace.

    S) Chili peppers. So hot. That's it.

    T) Holy shit.

    M) Pain. Scathing, enduring pain.

    O) Fuck that."
  17. WesMantooth

    WesMantooth Grand Pooh-Bah (4,748) Jan 8, 2014 Ohio
    Pooh-Bah Trader

    "It tastes like sadness feels"

    "It tastes like someone secretly replaced my ordinary stout with the love child of Juan Valdez and Betty Crocker after an all-weekend long brownie bender."
  18. kbuzz

    kbuzz Initiate (0) Jan 22, 2011 North Carolina

    Sorry for all the posts, but I love this topic...finding hilarious reviewers on this site is kind of a passion of mine...

    Another beauty from @Ryan011235

    "The treachery of the aroma doesn't entirely carry over to the flavor but, man, this is not good. Processed cheese, oregano, basil, faint tomato, the burden of knowledge, self-loathing, squandered chances, wasted years, shame. It makes you question the choices you've made, how your life wound up like this & why you hurt the ones you love."
  19. sergeantstogie

    sergeantstogie Initiate (0) Nov 16, 2010 Washington

    Overlord's Triple Bock review is classic too:
    "Worst tasting thing I can ever recall consuming. I would rather plunge heated barbed wire into my tongue than allow this to ever touch my precious palate again. I curled on the floor of a shower and cried for a good 15 minutes until its ungodly taint left my flesh.

    This beer has led me to make this solemn vow: I will pimp this product whenever possible so as to ensure that others experience the same misery I have."
    Rug, Lahey, Ranbot and 27 others like this.
  20. UCLABrewN84

    UCLABrewN84 Initiate (0) Mar 18, 2010 California

    From a review of this beer:

    "Gotta give this motherfucker a 5 for appearance as this brewery does not fuck around. Served from a goddamn 2 liter plastic bottle with a screw cap. I respect the shit out of this already and I have not gotten to my two favorite parts. They put the goddamn nutritional facts on there which is lovely as who the fuck does not want to know what the exact makeup of the nutritious concoction that is about to fill one's gullet? This guy does. And now for the best the bottle floating around like deer shit on the 9th hole's fairway are motherfucking raisins. I'm not sure what the exact name is for the trifecta of a 2 liter plastic bottle, nutritional information, and raisins, but I'm pretty certain it's known as the "Tripel MotherFucking Crown".

    Anywho..."beer" poured into some vessel looking like the abandoned stepchild of Dr. Pepper, Dr. Skipper (who is not an MD, but a DO). Raisin look as delicious as ever. Head is not much, but I think that most will agree that the raisins more than make up for it. Surprisingly I'm not loving the smell. A little bit of burnt rubber and bread along with soda. Taste is a little better with a lot of bread and other things. Carbonation is fine.

    Not a beer that I will drink again, but goddamn...we have reached a new level of packaging."
    Rug, dbl_delta, ChiCubs78 and 46 others like this.
  21. kbuzz

    kbuzz Initiate (0) Jan 22, 2011 North Carolina

    YES!!! That's what I'm talking about...that's how it's done.
  22. IckyT2012

    IckyT2012 Pooh-Bah (1,876) Oct 13, 2014 Florida
    Pooh-Bah Trader

    Re: Voodoo Doughnut Maple Bacon
    "...I had to rinse my tulip glass twice."
  23. jws6w7

    jws6w7 Initiate (0) Oct 30, 2014 Florida

    @Christopher_Hoagie's review of Busch Light

    "The finest of historical lagers, found myself a 2007 vintage that my wife surprisingly cellared for me. She made the pour perfectly with just the right amount of light head.

    Notes of the Smoky Mountains, and so cold my nipples could cut glass.

    Would highly recommend on a special occasion."
  24. atpca

    atpca Initiate (0) Jun 10, 2013 California

    Bourbonic Plague by Cascade Brewing Company (USA)

    Bourbon, menthol, tartness, over ripe fruit. Tastes like grandma's taint.
  25. TheBrewo

    TheBrewo Initiate (0) Nov 11, 2010 New York

    I forget who, or what the beer was, but this user only had like 1 or 2 total reviews.

    "This tastes like Jesus cream."
  26. SoleBriety

    SoleBriety Maven (1,433) Oct 10, 2013 California
    Society Trader

    I got the stink eye from one of my clients because I'm reading this thread and couldn't contain my laughter. She really thought I was laughing at her.
  27. Avelasquez80

    Avelasquez80 Initiate (0) Jul 9, 2015 Texas

    HAHA!! Seriously just happened to me with the last 4 people walking by my office!
  28. ThisWangsChung

    ThisWangsChung Pooh-Bah (2,842) Oct 15, 2011 Maryland

    "It's like they combined Hitler's bodily fluids (and I do mean ALL of them) with smegma."

    @kojevergas on Budweiser & Clamato Chelada. His review sounds like the lyrics of a goregrind album, in the best way possible.
  29. rgordon

    rgordon Pooh-Bah (2,627) Apr 26, 2012 North Carolina

    With apologies to Ned Beatty and his immortalized character! How come I cannot find @northyorksammys reviews? Those are absolute comic wonders.
    Coronaeus and Geuzedad like this.
  30. StrappingYoungLad

    StrappingYoungLad Initiate (0) Dec 10, 2013 Indiana

    @Villiam 's review of Leinenkugel's Snowdrift Vanilla Porter is brilliant and surreal:

    Little to no head on this brew. Smells of vanilla and coffee. The first taste had a solid vanilla flavor and a slight bitterness. I tries to cleanse the palate with Cheetoes but wiped my hands on the drapes and caught them on fire. Would not burn down my house again for. 2.75/5
  31. Raime

    Raime Pooh-Bah (1,935) Jun 4, 2012 Korea (North)

    "Oh Steel, you were so cheap
    Your 8.1 ABV I decided to reap
    BeerAdvocate asked me about your mouthfeel
    And honestly, you make my tastebuds peel

    Lets be honest, I am poor
    So I decided to buy one more
    I poured you into my frosted mug
    The next morning I felt beaten by a thug

    Oh Steel, you taste like liquid metal
    Oh Steel, I feel like I'm licking a kettle
    Please, Steel, you don't look that bad
    But, honestly, you smell like a sweaty dad.

    Lahey, FBarber, Adrena1ine and 29 others like this.
  32. jrnyc

    jrnyc Pooh-Bah (2,916) Mar 21, 2010 New York
    Pooh-Bah Trader

    @RaulMondesi writes the best reviews, this sounds like one of his.
  33. JMS1512

    JMS1512 Initiate (0) Feb 18, 2013 New Jersey

    Creative, and a great reference.
  34. lester619

    lester619 Initiate (0) Apr 17, 2009 Wisconsin

    What ever happened to Overlord? He had some beauties. I haven't seen anything from him in quite awhile.
    bmugan, Ruger, 2beerdogs and 6 others like this.
  35. JMS1512

    JMS1512 Initiate (0) Feb 18, 2013 New Jersey

    I know I had some Thompson-esque lines in some of my reviews, but I'll be damned if I can find them.
    Raime likes this.
  36. Raime

    Raime Pooh-Bah (1,935) Jun 4, 2012 Korea (North)

    I have some pretty great ones too, usually pertaining to the Schlitz series but I feel it would be odd to quote my own
    LakerLeith and JMS1512 like this.
  37. JMS1512

    JMS1512 Initiate (0) Feb 18, 2013 New Jersey

    Exactly. Someone else find my good lines, and post them.
    Hophazzard and LakerLeith like this.
  38. WestcoastMichigander

    WestcoastMichigander Initiate (0) Apr 9, 2015 California

    This thread has brought great joy to me on a dreary Monday, thank you friends
  39. DelMontiac

    DelMontiac Initiate (0) Oct 22, 2010 Oklahoma

    Can't remember what beer it was, but I think it went something like this..."I took one sip and my face looked like Don Knotts scared shitless."
  40. DelMontiac

    DelMontiac Initiate (0) Oct 22, 2010 Oklahoma

    No doubt. All I could think about today was having to work the next 11 days straight, but this lightened my mood. Well, this thread and a couple of SA Octos.
    Scrapss, Raime and sergeantstogie like this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.