Best quotes from reviews

Maybe the site should implement a system like IMDB, Rotten Tomatoes or Yelp does with counting "Elite" reviewers score more than somebody who just came onto the sight.

The again, that will deter some new- comers.

 

that was my friends response after drinking Bell's Venus

 

This is @RaulMondesi's review of Samuel Smith's Pure Brewed Lager Beer:

"Four pack at my local Trader Joes in Tustin, CA.

Was looking forward to drinking session after session of Hottenroth all day - but apparently walking into The Bruery Provisions at 5:01 (they closed at 5:00 on Christmas Eve) was too late for them to sell Raul a few bottles. (The also sent me to a liquor store that didn't even sell any of their items, but that is besides the point.)

Anyway, so here Raul is with this swill instead. I was looking forward to pounding the entire 4-pack, but I could only get through 1. Is it me, or do all Euro Lagers/Pilsners either taste just decent, or like this nasty astringent, windex, skunk-like lager?

Raul was pumped on this, but he highly disagrees with it. Raul will use it to clean his windows instead. Peace!"

 

So, what's the beer?

 

The sad thing is, if you've been one of the fortunate and privileged few to try SA Triple Bock, you know that this is actually a fairly accurate description.

Here's another excerpt from a review of that same lovely beer by ChadQuest:

"I am a FireFighter. I have smelled dead things.
and i would even give dead things an aroma rating of 1.5

I don't know what came over me to even consider sipping this after the visual and aromal onslaught. Afterwards i was begging to be water boarded, if it removes the taste great if it kills me great. Rotting Prunes,Plums,Figs,Musty Moldy Basement Water, Rotting Wood,Soy Sauce,Blood."

 

Haha, that was my interpretation!! They gave no other context so I suppose it's anyone's guess.

 

"I hate you Tailgate." Agreed...This review kills me every time!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1.6/5 rDev -36.3%
look: 4 | smell: 1.5 | taste: 1.5 | feel: 2 | overall: 1

A-Pours a hazy scorched orange. Huge, voluminous head. Bubbles rise frm the base of the beer to feed the foamy afro. Thick, sporadic lacing blotches.

S-Grimace inducing. Sweet and soapy. Honey and...soap. Oh yeah! There is also an abundance of...honey and soap.

T-Holy horseshit Batman! This is one of the worst beers I have ever slurped! Venom! Metal and sickening sweetness with a hint of remedial hops. Like sucking on a penny covered in that frightening green rust. The fact that I bought a six-pack of this makes me want to assault someone. Asswater.

M-I hate you Tailgate. Sticky and clingy.

O/D-In contention for the title of the prestigous "Worst of the Worst" award. Absolutely insulting. Quite easily the worst beer I have had yet. At least the plethora of bad Macro brews aren't pretending to be craft beers. In terms of this beer: IPA = Imbibing Pungent Asswater.

★ 880 characters

VelvetExtract, Oct 26, 2012 Report
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Review of Sam Adams Triple Boch by @magictacosinus

 

@RaulMondesi definitely takes the prize for quality reviews.

 

i've seen some great ones and all i have to say is:

THANK YOU

i can be funny, sarcastic, and incredibly creative but sometimes I read things here and laugh my gut off. keep going everyone

 

@Immortale25 Thank you for indulging my ego and my belief that I'm a descriptive and entertaining writer.

And now a shameless plug: my blog

 

You are certainly correct about SA Triple Bock. I tried it about 15 years ago and it still remains the worst beer I've ever had. That's what makes reading those reviews so great. Humorous indeed, but not too far from the truth.

 

"If you like beer, and raspberries, and getting your wife totally shitfaced, and I mean, like, no disagreement when you suggest anal...this is the beer for you."

So, what's the beer?

DFH Fort

 

I humbly take a bow.

 

Did you ever complete the CANquest?

 

" 3.17/5 rDev +74.2%look: 3 | smell: 3.5 | taste: 3 | feel: 3 | overall: 3.25

I bought a six pack of 16oz cans when I was starved on cash. Cost right around $4. Not a bad beer for the price and will get you a buzz. Around beer #3 my stomach began to rumble. As I opened beer #5 I got hardcore diarrhea and barely made it to the toilet. You get what you pay for!"

I just like that he still gave it such a high rating.
This is of course a review for Natural Light.

 

I admit I actually had to try a Minhas beer, as I was uncertain they could make beer as awful as you described. Luckily (?) a friend of mine got some, can't rmemeber which, in a "beer of the month" thing, and it was ungodly awful. I admire your restraint in describing Minhas somewhat generously.

 

http://www.beeradvocate.com/community/members/biboergosum.168458/

I think he writes great reviews. I also find that I am almost always in agreement.

 

Thanks to that website I am now effectively useless for the next several hours! What's worse is that I have created a persona that relies on people never seeing me crack a smile - now I have to hide until this goofy freaking grin subsides, but I can't stop reading that site!! Man, that's some impossibly funny stuff!

 

Thank you for retrieving this I also thought about a search. This is the best negative review ever posted on Beer Advocate.

 

This is gold! Looks like a list of Bill Brasky accomplishments.

 

For Bells 30th Anniversary Ale:

"Pours as black as Charlie Murphy"

 

Only when I die.

I CANnot keep up with the preponderance of CANned beers and I predict the death of glass longneck bottles in the next five years. Buy stock now in ALCOA (raw material provider) and the Ball Corporation (main producer of extruded aluminum cylinders) and thank me later!

 

I think I've posted this before, but I don't like them. They are my least favorite style of beer.

 

Loved this @RaulMondesi note regarding Alpines O'Briens IPA --"Little to small hints of citrus, taste is ok, but still somewhat flat on the tongue. Not Laura Flynn Boyle "flat," but it could definitely use a wonder bra."

 

Truly a classic. The fact that it took this long to surface in this thread makes me worry that many of the old timers are inactive or gone.

 

There was a review once and I think it may have been by khaismus but I'm not sure but it was either pure poetry or the ramblings of a person on psychedelic drugs (or both) but it was pure awesomeness...I will find it. Check out this one that I did find which is pretty cool:
http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/313/1545/?ba=khiasmus

 

@mynie review for Dark Lord.

http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/26/7520/?ba=mynie

"Giving this to a child would be like giving them a bar of acid and taking them to Disneyland. Nothing would ever make them feel happy again, ever."

 

"Lacing is left everywhere like a blue-balled ejaculation onto a prostitutes stomach

"

 

Written about Natural Light

"I sit down with an ice cold can, and only the purest thoughts of alcoholic absolution run through my mind. Cracking open the top and listening to the hiss of the carbonation, I'm immediately transported to a land of verdant, rolling hops and ice cold mountain streams. Indeed, this is a beer meant for kings and gods, that much is apparent from the outset. A routine pour reveals a beer steeped in ineffable majesty. The cascading, golden lager results in sumptuous suds, with a head that literally begs for a deep, long drag from the dry gulch of the thirsty everyman. Beer meant for men, and not much else needs to be said. Brewers can do it right, or do it wrong, and Natural Light hits a slam dunk every time. I love this beer more than I love pizza."

 

An all time classic. The first review I thought of when I read this thread.

 

He had a few like that, and I also couldn't find them, but I will. He gets a pass with those, the ones I did in that manner were all reported and deleted.

 

My thoughts exactly. I went through the first three pages fully expecting it to be at the top. I've been a member for nearly seven years, truly active for a little over five. I know I'm not one of true old timers, but there are a lot of high quality characters who haven't been seen in a while that newcomers will have no familiarity with.

Also: Jesus Christ, I've spent five years of my life talking about beer?!!

 

Just stumbled upon this one for Brooklyn's Hand & Seal. Notice the rating vs. the review.

"4.42/5 rDev +2.3%
look: 4.75 | smell: 4.5 | taste: 4.25 | feel: 4.5 | overall: 4.5

Poured into a 13 ounce snifter, pours a dark thick orange. Lots of orange and bourbon vanilla sweetness on the nose, monopolized by orange zessed on the flavor, not nearly good enough for a $20+ bottle. Out of all the disappointing BK special releases this is the strongest, and it's still miles away from being worth it, shame on you Brooklyn Brewery and shame on you Garrett Oliver, you are probably the worst brew master in the world, all your special release brews SUCK!!!"


Classic.

 

Yes I really get pissed off too when a brewer can't crank out 5's every time

 

with ya there lol

 

Was recently shopping for a kegerator and found this review. For some reason, I don't think I would have these "problems"...

At first loved it BUT now am finding limited kegs fit in this cooler. The new rubber "coated" Miller products do NOT fit as well as Coors 1/4 keg -- too big of circumference at widest pt. Bud products okay but not a fan of Bud Light and/or Bud. My preference is Miller/Miller Lite but 1/4's do NOT fit due to rubber coated kegs. Not even sure 1/6 will work --- too tall when "tap" is added and would definitely lose shelf space where I like to keep cold glasses.

 

What can I say, it's a really dark beer...

 

Dude his reviews are fucking hysterical

@1BeerToRuleThemAll read this thread from the beginning

 

Why, thank you Father, for I have surely sinned!