Man Opens Brewery to Achieve Lifelong Dream of Charging $9.50 for Boring Pilsner

Discussion in 'Beer Talk' started by Todd, Feb 9, 2020.

  1. Todd

    Todd Founder (5,748) Aug 23, 1996 California
    Staff Moderator Fest Crew Society

    Damn. This one cuts deep. #lagerislife
    https://thehardtimes.net/culture/ma...ng-dream-of-charging-9-50-for-boring-pilsner/

    (If you're just waking up, this is satire.)
     
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  2. JrGtr

    JrGtr Devotee (400) Apr 13, 2006 Massachusetts

  3. Todd

    Todd Founder (5,748) Aug 23, 1996 California
    Staff Moderator Fest Crew Society

    They don't need my permission. I'm also honored. Big fan of The Hard Times.
     
    DrOfGolf, Old_Hippy, KRug and 19 others like this.
  4. bubseymour

    bubseymour Poo-Bah (2,870) Oct 30, 2010 Maryland
    Society Trader

    "When our head brewmaster suggested we develop a pale ale, I slapped him and fired him on the spot ".....that made me laugh.
     
    Gary6R, webbedtoes, sliv and 8 others like this.
  5. ichorNet

    ichorNet Meyvn (1,248) Mar 16, 2010 Massachusetts

    This one is hilarious, and the comments on the article on Facebook are full of extra-fragile beer fans who should lighten up.
     
    KRug, alucard6679, FBarber and 7 others like this.
  6. Todd

    Todd Founder (5,748) Aug 23, 1996 California
    Staff Moderator Fest Crew Society

    FBarber and mikeinportc like this.
  7. 2beerdogs

    2beerdogs Poo-Bah (2,370) Jan 31, 2005 California
    Society Trader

    Pork belly-flavored sours? Hmmm are they using beechwood or balsa wood foeders?
     
  8. woodchipper

    woodchipper Meyvn (1,157) Oct 25, 2005 Connecticut
    Society

    Nice laugh on a dreary Sunday. Thanks Todd.
     
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  9. WunderLlama

    WunderLlama Poo-Bah (2,265) Dec 27, 2010 Massachusetts
    Society Trader

    $9.50 for a “boring” Pilsner is outrageous

    however , if it was called Langweilig Pilsner, then the cost would be justified ...
     
  10. Scottsbeer

    Scottsbeer Devotee (497) Nov 3, 2017 Florida
    Trader

    Obviously any pork belly sour worth it's salt would be a wild farmhouse style, naturally fermented in a coolship made of galvanized steel garbage cans with wild yeast and bacteria from the local flies that are attracted to the pork bellies. The appropriate foeder to age it in would be constructed from recycled wood obtained from a New Jersey landfill.
     
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  11. SLeffler27

    SLeffler27 Poo-Bah (2,142) Feb 24, 2008 New York
    Society Trader

    ... Gose.

    Hey, this is a fun game: Name the style of a pork belly sour worth its salt. If not a Gose, maybe a Rouchbier?
     
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  12. JerzDevl2000

    JerzDevl2000 Poo-Bah (3,396) Oct 7, 2005 New Jersey
    Society

    I thought this was a headline from The Onion when I first read the title of this post!
     
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  13. islay

    islay Disciple (328) Jan 6, 2008 Minnesota

    Can somebody give a real-life example of the type of brewery this article is satirizing? I can't think of a brewery that has that sort of mix of beers, charges high prices, and produces middling product. Does anybody in the industry think pale ales, especially low-bitterness juicy pale ales, are anything but a lowest-common-denominator crowd-pleaser, let alone "a little too spicy for the average consumer?" Do any critics of add-junk pastry stouts think of them as "adventurous" or featuring "exotic flavors" rather than predictable and inordinately and intentionally accessible? I can certainly think of some German-oriented craft breweries that produce bland fare (e.g, Olde Mecklenburg), but they wouldn't feature golden ales, they feature more diverse style lineups than the one described within the German tradition, and they tend to have low prices by craft beer standards. I can also think of pricy hipster breweries that push out these sorts of beers alongside hazy IPAs or flavoring-adjunct-laden farmhouse ales.

    This just doesn't hit home. It seems like a defensive hazebro's distorted, straw-man presentation of his perceived antithesis with no rooting in reality.
     
    #13 islay, Feb 9, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2020
  14. bbtkd

    bbtkd Poo-Bah (4,292) Sep 20, 2015 South Dakota
    Society Trader

    I know, right? Most of those guys are big, wouldn't dare b*tch-slap one, they're no hipsters.
     
  15. SFACRKnight

    SFACRKnight Meyvn (1,386) Jan 20, 2012 Colorado
    Trader

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  16. nc41

    nc41 Poo-Bah (2,325) Sep 25, 2008 North Carolina
    Society Trader

    Old Mecklenburg sells bland beer?
     
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  17. Scottsbeer

    Scottsbeer Devotee (497) Nov 3, 2017 Florida
    Trader

    Touché
     
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  18. ichorNet

    ichorNet Meyvn (1,248) Mar 16, 2010 Massachusetts

    KRug, woemad, JrGtr and 1 other person like this.
  19. islay

    islay Disciple (328) Jan 6, 2008 Minnesota

    Can you provide an example of a real-life brewery that is anything like this one? Maybe something in Colorado or Oregon? I'm just trying to think of a region in which the odd mix of characteristics described is even plausible. I'm happy to see well-done satire, but when someone is inventing a fake phenomenon just to make fun of it, it's hard for the joke to land.
     
  20. SLeffler27

    SLeffler27 Poo-Bah (2,142) Feb 24, 2008 New York
    Society Trader

    “Martins is allegedly already considering his next business endeavor: a vineyard that will produce an aggressively generic Merlot at $55 a bottle.”

    Relax Miles...
     
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  21. eppCOS

    eppCOS Meyvn (1,116) Jun 27, 2015 Colorado
    Society

    I mean, I COULD< but then I wouldn't be able to pay $9.50 for that Schlockstadt Pils I love so much in Denver. :wink:
    It's just a joke. Not as good as McSweeney's stuff, but still... not bad.
    Cheers.
    Now where's that $15 can of imperial pastry bananas foster flambe stout I had in the fridge?
     
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  22. Scottsbeer

    Scottsbeer Devotee (497) Nov 3, 2017 Florida
    Trader

    No wonder you couldn't find it. It is in the bottle section.

    [​IMG]
     
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  23. gvickery

    gvickery Devotee (459) May 13, 2017 Texas

    If it’s an excellent boring Pilsner I’ll gladly pay the $9.50.
     
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  24. Ranbot

    Ranbot Savant (907) Nov 27, 2006 Pennsylvania
    Society

    Yeah. Check out Oh Pils Dude by Whoosh Brewing Co.
     
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  25. SunDevilBeer

    SunDevilBeer Defender (636) May 9, 2003 Massachusetts

    Congrats on being a short-lived business.
     
  26. Pinz412

    Pinz412 Initiate (55) Nov 20, 2019 Pennsylvania
    Trader

    I'm pretty certain this is the exact reaction the writers were hoping for.

    [​IMG]
     
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  27. HouseofWortship

    HouseofWortship Crusader (752) May 3, 2016 Illinois
    Trader

    I am deeply offended by Todd’s comments in that article. I know it was a satirical post and Todd didn’t actually say those things, but there is truth in satire and the fact that they make it sound like something Todd would say makes it close enough to Todd actually saying it. I hope you all follow me in boycotting beer advocate...for the rest of the evening.
     
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  28. Todd

    Todd Founder (5,748) Aug 23, 1996 California
    Staff Moderator Fest Crew Society

    [​IMG]
     
  29. The-Adjunct-Hippie

    The-Adjunct-Hippie Poo-Bah (4,656) May 12, 2014 South Dakota
    Society Trader

    That's it. I'm brewing a beer with milk and toast.
     
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  30. SFACRKnight

    SFACRKnight Meyvn (1,386) Jan 20, 2012 Colorado
    Trader

    I'm happy paying top dollar fo those @CerebralBrewing lagers. Fuck ALL the haters. I would also take those bad boys over the highest rated pastry stouts. Good beer is worth all the dollars I reckon.
     
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  31. The-Adjunct-Hippie

    The-Adjunct-Hippie Poo-Bah (4,656) May 12, 2014 South Dakota
    Society Trader


    "Aggressively generic."

    Wahahaha
     
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  32. SLeffler27

    SLeffler27 Poo-Bah (2,142) Feb 24, 2008 New York
    Society Trader

    Introducing the next IT style: Kvasstout!
     
  33. elNopalero

    elNopalero Poo-Bah (3,635) Oct 14, 2009 Texas
    Society Trader

    Barrel-aged Rye on Rye imperial kvassstout! 1.2% abv.

    Sign me up!
     
  34. montman

    montman Devotee (401) Mar 10, 2009 Virginia
    Trader

    Hmmm, sounds like it definitely did.
     
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  35. CTHopman

    CTHopman Initiate (144) Jul 22, 2016 Connecticut

    Soprano’s style . Satriale’s! Bada Bing.
     
    #35 CTHopman, Feb 10, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2020
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  36. mactrail

    mactrail Poo-Bah (8,872) Mar 24, 2009 Washington
    Society Trader

    In San Francisco, you only get 12 oz for your $9.50.
     
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  37. Ranbot

    Ranbot Savant (907) Nov 27, 2006 Pennsylvania
    Society

    People pay more than $9.50 for boring pilsners all the time....Just go to any pro sports stadium.
     
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  38. Roadkizzle

    Roadkizzle Aspirant (219) Nov 6, 2007 Texas

    Well I'd hazard a guess that Bierstadt Lagerhaus may be as close as you'll get to the fake brewery described in the article.

    Not a $9.50 pour of lager, but a very limited array of styles. But they do have beers like their Dunkel lager as well as their Pils and Helles.
     
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  39. Ranbot

    Ranbot Savant (907) Nov 27, 2006 Pennsylvania
    Society

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  40. eppCOS

    eppCOS Meyvn (1,116) Jun 27, 2015 Colorado
    Society

    Yeah, me too of course. I love reading satire that comes close to the mark. See ya at Cerebral (or Bierstadt) someday. cheers....
     
    SFACRKnight likes this.