SWTFYW Hints and Hauls!!!

I got about 80% of that... lost a little between fuzzy baby ducks and blow up dolls, but I get the rest... does this mean I belong now? (oh please say I belong pleeeease? ...he says not at all desperately)

 

As soon as I win beer from you you're in

 

Does "winning" include you being on my list for the F&M release?

 

If I get some absolutely

 

@Haywire where are the SWTFYW tits?

 

Ok I suck at jokes...

Three guys walk into a bar, bartender tells them all drinks are 10 cents. They order several rounds and ask why it's so cheap, he tells them he won the lottery earlier that year and does it just for the joy of it. There was 2 guys at the opposite end of the bar that hadn't ordered a drink, so they asked the bartender why they weren't drinking? The bartender replied, oh they're from SC they're waiting for happy hour when it's only 5 cents.

 

I love comedy. I can't tell or remember jokes worth a damn. Here's a favorite bit of mine. Makes me laugh every time I hear it....

 

A blonde A red and a brune walk into a bar....

I'll have a flight please!!!!










I guess it's kind of a joke.

 

A priest, a lawyer, the president and three Boy Scouts are on a plane and it is going down.
There are three parachutes and the president says, "give them to the Boy Scouts, they are young and have not yet lived life!"
The lawyer says, "screw the Boy Scouts"
The priest says, "think we have time?"

That was my attempt...s&t

 

Here's an actual joke. Not an original, but funny and recently new to me:

A guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What can I get you?" The guy says, "I'll take a rum and coke." The bartender reaches under the counter, pulls out an apple, and places it on the counter. "Here you go." The guy gives the bartender a strange look and says, "No, I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender says, "Trust me, just try it." The guy shrugs, then takes a bite of the apple, "Holy shit, it tastes just like rum!" The bartender says, "Turn it around and try the other side." The guy takes a bite of the opposite side, "Holy shit, it tastes just like coke!" The bartender just smiles.

Another guy walks into the bar and sits down. "I'll have a gin and tonic," he says. The bartender reaches under the counter, pulls out an apple, and sets it in front of him. The guy says, "What the fuck is this?" The first guy says, "Trust me, this guy has magic apples, just try it!" The second guy shrugs, and then takes a bite of the apple. "Holy shit!" he says, "It tastes just like gin!" The first guy says, "Turn it around and try the other side!" The second guy takes a bite out of the other side, "Holy shit! It's tastes just like tonic!" The bartender just smiles.

A third guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What can I get you?" The guy says, "I'm not sure yet." The first guy says, "Order anything you want. No matter what you order, this guy has an apple that tastes just like it." The third guy says, "Anything?" The second guy says, "Seriously, anything at all." The third guy thinks for a moment, then says, "Do you have one that tastes like *****?" The bartender laughs, "Do I have one that tastes like *****?" He reaches under the counter, pulls out an apple, and places it on the counter. The third guy grabs the apple and takes a bite. "What the fuck," he says, "This tastes like shit!" The bartender says, "Turn it around."

 

If we are busting out dirty jokes..

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street and walk by a very attractive woman. One turns and says to the other, "Id really like to fuxk her." His buddy replies, "..out of what?".

*Disclaimer- I am not against Jews.*

 

A guy walks into a bar at the top of a skyscraper and sits down next to a guy already drinking. The drinker turns to the new guy and says "hey watch this. Bartender, get me a shot." The bartender pours him a shot, he drinks it, walks over to the window, opens it, and jumps out. He falls thirty stories but stops inches above the ground, puts his feet down, and walks back into the building. He takes the elevator back up to the bar and sits back down on his stool. The new guy says "that was amazing! Bet you can't do it again." The drinker responds "like hell! Bartender, another shot!" The bartender pours him another shot, he drinks it, walks over to the still open window, and jumps out. He falls thirty stories but again stops inches above the ground and walks back into the building. He takes the elevator back up to the bar and sits down. The new guy says "I gotta try this. Bartender, pour me a shot!" The bartender pours him a shot, he drinks it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. He falls thirty stories and splatters all over the ground. The drinker looks out the window and the bartender says to him "you sure are an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

 

The president of Busweiser, the president of Miller, and Shaun Hill walk into a bar, bartender says "What'll you guys have?" The president of Bud declares "I'll have a Bud, the King of Beers!" The president of Miller, not to be outdone, says "I'll have the Champagne of beers, a Miller!" and Shaun Hill says "I'll have an iced tea". Confused, the other two ask "We're at a bar, aren't you going to have a beer?" and Shaun says "Well I would, but I didn't want to be the only one".

 

One more bar joke:

Two guys are sitting next to each other at a bar. One has had a few too many drinks and says to the other "I fucked your mother." The guy ignores the drunk. A few beers later the drunk says to the other guy "I fucked your mom soo hard." Again the guy ignores him. A few more beers later the drunk shouts at the guy "I fucked your mom right in the shitter!" Finally the guy says to the drunk "alright Dad, time to go home."

 

Hot damn that's some subtle shit.!!! Hot damn!!!

 

You son of a bitch! There's a competition you sweet bastard MFers

 

I just got home from drinking for 12 hours and I gotta go to a 2nd wedding tomorrow. Ugh. 007 is prob at the same time finalizing his divorce and having child custody battles. Karmas a bitch

 

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. Bartender goes "What is this, a joke?!"

 

Here's another two jokes.

1. A blind man walks into a bar. And a chair. And a stool.

2. An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of the typical bar-room heroes, an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman.

He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.

So the English guy says “Alright then. Play this.” and hands him a guitar. The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar.

The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano. The octopus sits down and plays it like never before, better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever.

Finally, the Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then.” and hands him a set of bagpipes.

The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them. Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out. Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?”

And the octopus says “Play it? I’m gonna fuck her when I get her pajamas off.”

 

Man, I do not feel good right now. Like at all. This post is not in my memory bank