The Leave them in Stitches LIF

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says "You man the guns, I'll drive"

169 stiches....oh wait, most were on the LEFT side...170!

Thanks!!!

 

9 Stitches

Due to the nature of your injury...Did you hear about the Dyslexic man that walked into a bra?

 

28 Stitches

So my mother inlaw fell down a wishing well. I was shocked, I never knew they worked.

 

Why did Ron Artest leave the basketball game early?

To beat the crowd.


I'll say 236 stitches. Good luck with your upcoming surgery! I hope you recover quickly.

 

18 Stitches

3 fonts walk into a bar. The bartender yells "Hey get outta here, we don't want your type here!"

Ok I'm done, just wanted to make someone laugh..

 

I read the phonebook recently. Wasn't great. Too many characters and at the end a bunch of Polish people show up.

167 stitches.

 

So my friend tells me he has bubonic plague. I said: "oh, don't give me that".

139 stitches.

 

Total including previous surgeries: 144.

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto.

 

212 Stitches, And Brandon... If you think you have it bad, just remember this: "Somewhere there is a Mr. Pelosi"

 

When a clock gets hungry it goes back four seconds.

179 stitches

 

What kind of computer sings? A Dell.

I called Seaworld today and they told me that the call may be recorded for training porpoises.

Why was the tissue dancing? Because it had a little boogie in it.

Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

 

2 pickles walk into a jar, one walks up to the other and says "give your pretty hot!". The other turns around and replies "im shows what you know, i'm sweet and spicy".
Im gonna guess around 240, including if they non desolvable. If desolvable, 0?

 

Why can't a blonde make Kool-aid? Because she can't fit 2 quarts of water in the little Kool-aid package.

199 stitches...good luck with the surgery!

 

Two muffins are baking in an oven. One turns to the other and says, "Boy, sure is hot in here!" The other replies, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

(I don't know why but I love that joke.)

I'll guess 231 stitches, but I mostly wanted to just tell that joke.

 

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago, biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”
The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and seems to calm down.
Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees him shaking and biting his nails again. She brings him another drink which he downs immediately. A half hour later she returns to see him shaking uncontrollably, and almost in tears.
“My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”
“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man.
“Then what’s the matter?
“I’m trying to give up drinking.”.

87 stitches, godspeed and thanks for the chance!

 

plagiarized from my son @ age 5 or so:

Q: whats the difference between a frog and a car.
A: a washing machine.

oh wait, that's a riddle.

177 stitches.

thanks for the chance and speedy recovery to you.

 

I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast fed me...she said she only liked me as a friend

Thats a Rodney one-liner of course...

Ill say 126 stitches....thanks for the chance!

 

183....

A dentist a nurse and an army general are flying.
The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane. The nurse drops down a medical kit and the army general drops a bomb.
They land the airplane and see what happened...
First they found a guy looking for his false teeth.
Next they found a guy bandaging his wounds.
Lastly they found a young boy laughing his head off.
They asked him what happened and he said, "My grandfather farted and blew up his house."


good luck!