King Henry LIF - ill poetry jam

Ah man, I had big plans for this, but I was hooked up by a trading partner with a KH earlier this year. Can I still play if I gift the bottle to some local BAs if I win?

 

There once was a boy from the FL.
He couldn’t get whales, what the hell.
But he found a LIF that looked pretty neat
So he decided to write this poem elite.

A story once existed from back in my day,
Of a tall fellow named ME from F.L.A.
He began his journey of collecting fine brew
But suddenly realized distribution in his state blew.

Why cant I find Goose Island, Three Floyds and Russian River?
The answer he got sent a slight shiver.
You see in the South there was a thing called Blue Laws
Which reminded him once of a case of Blue Balls!

One late night in college after macking quite hard
I met a blonde girl that had a V card.
I thought about what the heck I would do,
So I thought, let's go back to my place and have a brew!

Twisting caps and popping tops,
I realized these beers had no hops.
But I really only had one thing on my mind,
So I reached down to grab her behind.

This girl was looking quite fine in my eye
But then all of a sudden she started to cry.
She said, I don’t know if I should do this tonight,
I told her “don’t worry baby it’ll be alright.”

So we continued to drink these light lagers you see
Somehow she got wasted, I thought lucky me!
She kept on talking which began to get old
We went into my room where she passed out cold!

So now I’ve told the story of shame
But there was only one thing I could blame.
You see, these light lagers they make today
Don’t really help when trying to get laid.

So please Southern States repeal these Blue Laws.
We need high gravity to prevent Blue Balls!
I hope this story will enlighten your day.
I’ve never had a King Henry, Please send him my way!

Cheers!

 

First LIF I've been legitimately scared by.

Good on you OP, good on you.

 

I go to sleep dreaming of beer
so many varieties how to compare
CBS & KH race through my mind
how do I acquire such a hard find

I scour the forums hoping to trade
but I come up short there's not enough made
I wish that Founders and GI alike
would hatch a plan for us all to partake

Maybe next year I'll go to a release
where I'll be the lucky one to go in peace
take the beer home drink it with friends
that's how it should be enjoyed with company it blends

you analyze and discuss the flavors at hand
maple and coffee are such a demand
I slowly awake from my sleep
the smell of syrup oh so sweet

I go to the kitchen to see whats cooking
my girlfriend greets me and she's lookin
I take a sip from my cup holy cow I think I'm in luck

I realize she just put syrup in my coffee
its not cbs but it's not to shabby
back to bed I fall asleep
dreaming again of the beers I seek

PS. I wear I kings crown to bed every night, and will do so until I obtain a bottle of King Henry...not really but I would if it helps my chances.

 

I do not qualify to win because i have a KH, but this is a cool idea.

For shits and giggles
I made a post on this thread
Haikus are fucking sweet

 

you say access or possession, but what if weve had it before? either way ive got a cousin whos been dying to try this guy.

something like doubleblack? holy crap man. guess im going all out!

prepare to meet the schneer very soon... and his beer..

 

So, I've had it before, but no longer have any bottles. Can I play to win for a GI tasting a local BA is setting up? (Yay sharing!)

 

Sadly, I'm ineligible for this one. I've already enjyoed King Henry. Though I would give it to a local who hasn't had it. Top three poem? Let's go with Shel's "Sick" (I cannot go to school today...)

Not able to come up with anything original, so here's a full Jabberwocky ripoff. Here's the original, for the unfortunate uneducated.

"Traderwocky"​

​

'Twas midnight, and the slithy threads​

Did gyre and gimble on the page;​

All tipsy were the BA-heads,​

Fair swaps they tried to gauge.​

​

"Beware the drunken trade, my friend!​

The offers weak, the ducks that quack!​

Beware jojo, and never send​

To derms named BitterPach!"​

​

He offered King Henry for trade:​

Long time the rarwitewale he sought-​

So sniftered he an ale (or three),​

And drank awhile in thought.​

​

And as he thought, in drunken sweat,​

A perfect trade, for Isabelle​

Came whiffling through the Internet.​

'It's mine!' he ululelled.​

​

BM! BM! again, again,​

The keyboard keys went klicker-klack!​

He worked the deal, an outright steal;​

A box, he had to pack.​

​

"And when you got your Izzy Prox;​

What extras were there placed within?​

Lentes?! Zomers!? Farts and boners!*​

It's time we had a tastin'!"​

​

'Twas midnight, and the slithy threads​

Did gyre and gimble on the page;​

All tipsy were the BA-heads,​

Fair swaps they tried to gauge.​

​

-----​

​

Alternate sad ending:​

"And when you got your Izzy Prox;​

What extras were there placed within?"​

"He never even sent the box!​

Bad trader list, I've placed him."​

​

*RIP, old friend​

 

Probably not going to compete after all is said and done but here goes my best attempt at writing poetry... this was fun!




I love to drink
I love to sip
I drink and sip and then I tip
My favorite barkeep... he is a trip

I come to drink one I believe
Only drink one and then I leave
But barkeep, he keeps me in my seat
Pouring one and another, oh I should eat

He pours and pours, no more I shout
First IPAs then a stout
Stop I say, I am on my way
Just tapped this Zombie… you must stay

So stay I do and drink one more
One more turns into three or four
The room starts spinning as does the floor
No more Zombie... to the door!

My tab looks like the national debt
My wife when she sees this... oh I fret
A cab is in order, I leave the tip
My barkeep… he is a trip

edit... favorite poem. "Where the Sidewalk Ends"

 

Flying Whales (Lyrics by Gojira)

Waters of chaos
Have invaded all space
The flood on earth again
I have to find the whales
That once did guides us
To dry lands of life
I won't despair
I'll break this dark all around

Under the heavy sea
I'll search the flight of whales

Beneath the seas I searched
And had a different view
Of us on earth
The sinking ship of men
But it's beyond the stars
I found the place
Where they were
And they finally came to light

Over the winds
They dwell in light
Like the arrow in the sky
I found myself on higher grounds
From up here
For I see them always in flight

Now I can see the whales
Looming out of the dark
Like arrows in the sky
I can't believe my eyes
But it's true

Huge tunnel ends in light
Like banks of clouds they gather
See massive shape of flesh
Swimming giants in the clear
The mightiest comes to me
I'm on the wing, wide open
They teach me how to fly
Slowly moving in the air

They dance

So much told with no words at all
Powerful presence for only speech
Breath

Over the winds
They dwell in light
Fly

 

Whales, bro.

 

That's a whale question, bro.
-Bryce Trader

 

This might be more difficult...

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious question of the biggest whales,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my stash of ales.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my stash of ales-
Jokes on them - they're not for sale.'

 

Now this is the story all about how ​

My life got popped, gushed all out​

And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ​

I'll tell you how I became the king of beer​

​

In west Perth, Australia born and raised ​

In a liquor shop where I spent most of my days ​

Chilling out, drinking, relaxing all cool ​

And all drinking some beer up in my neighbourhood​

When a couple of beers, turned out to be no good​

I questioned whether I liked beer that wasn't good​

I drank one more bad beer and I got scared​

And I said "I'm giving up the life of drinking bad beer".​

I went to a craft beer pub and when I was there​

I looked at the chalkboard and found the beer to be fair​

I drank some of the beer, I screamed "Hell Yeah"​

And I thought to myself, "I really love beer!"​

I decided that bad beer, I did in deed hate​

Thankfully I didn't find this out too late​

I looked at my pint and I realised I was there​

I realised that I loved amazing craft beer.​

​

(Terrible. Just... terrible. But I had to do it). ​

 

When I wake up in the morning
And the distro truck backs away
I don't think I'll ever make it on time!

By the time I grab my wallet,
And I give myself a look,
I'm at the store just in time to see the last case fly by!

It's alright, 'cause I'm saved by the OP!

If you see me post an ISO
You know I'm in a mess
And my roommate drank all my whales last night!

Ridin' low in my chair,
The other posters won't know I'm here,
If I can land this bottle, it'll be all right!

It's alright, 'cause I'm saved by the OP!
It's alright, 'cause I'm saved by the OP!
It's alright, 'cause I'm saved by the OP!
It's alright, 'cause I'm saved by the OP!

Thread saver!

 

To answer the first question, yes, I've had some free time.

EDIT: so of the top here got cut off. But a) I "have" a bottle in my "possession" (thanks Maddogg) which is in a box for my son, currently 2, to open when he likes together w/ a Thierry Henry Barca kit top, a Times and Post from his day of birth, and some other fun stuff. If that disqualifies me, so be it. I would love a bottle to open w/ folks. and b) my guess for favorite poem was "Yertle the Turtle" which is referenced within.


Introduction

There were we three Super Friends
The Elder, the Boy King and I
Standing where the sidewalk ends
Under the Arcadia Sky

First Pliny spoke plainly and fair
"we do what deserves to be read"
Next, Henry spoke of his Pappy Rare
completing the half crown atop his head

Henry's words Spoke a Twisted maze
of White Birch and Crowns of Gold
as Hakusekikan Legend's blazed
his place as He'Brew Messiah Bold

So we sought his Truffala
or at least a Giving Tree,
but Bells tolled a Black Note
and Surly Darkness smote
the Black Sky a roaring Monster of the Sea

The Odyssey

Pliny drew a skinny elephant
delirium tremens made them blurry
but a fresh quaf from the Steam Plant
refreshed Indian Black and Furry

Led here by an attic light
having eaten green eggs and ham
We passed Wassick's Wall of White
Celebration capped with a dram

The evening before, a Perfect Storm
sessions of weisses and weitzens
In a Bug Jar the White Worm was born
with a face made only to frighten

Armand'd served a winter geuze
Bartholomew a gobelt of mead
Pliny suspecting the kindness a ruse
pour'd half of each glass on the weeds

As the sessions reach a Deviation
with no more 4%ers to bring
we chose a flight of abbreviation
which ended upruptly; Ding!

Blacker than Xantus, Tuesday or Cats
A deluge of Chocolate Rain
The missing piece, an artifact
brewed from a mystic bill of grain

The one called Orval Rodenbacher

Orval said in muted tones
"the beer you seek is near
and so to those who sit their thrones
still Trembling with a Fear.

The Eyes of the World will follow,
each simple Twist of Fate
as you follow the Craigmill Swallow
straight to the Angel's Gate."

With that the Immortal (retired)
gathered his Red Jacket close
Leaving our party inspired
to fufill our Plan B grandiose

Denouement

To claim the Crown & GLory
and draw a curtain on your story
you must say a Tongue Buckler
a puzzle juggle coupler
and face the Flaming Fury

What do you know about the newer brewers?

Henry drew a deep breath. Well...

When newer brewers fight,
it's called a newer brewer battle.

And when they battle for a bottle,
it's a newer brewer bottle battle.

AND when brewers battles brewers for a bottle
with a paddle,
they call it a newer brewer bottle paddle battle.

AND when brewers fight these battles with their paddles
in a barrel,
the call it a newer brewer farrell barrel bottle paddle batte and the barrels

AND...

As Henry cantored, we slipped out,
withdrew, to Slippery Rock.
In the Elder dissolved Foul Doubt
in my own Sly Fox Helles Bock

So checked and double checked, an act of Levitation
The trio was a duo, with one act of consecration
counted, quoted and rewritten, led by elder augur
Henry proudly bore his crown, into Uncharted belgian water

Envoy
Henry the beer King, adjusted his crown
and Henry, the beer King, in Minneapolis Town
Sat in the Hall; drank Grinch's Grog with a Czar
reflected on a journey that had taken him far...

and King Henry of course, can be given free
as King Henry and, maybe, all beers should be.

 

Oh snap.