King Henry LIF - ill poetry jam

C'mon, publish it! This has been one hell of a fun thread to read. But needs more Schneer!

 

If that's the case, I don't see how I can lose.

 

I curse the fact that I have not had time to sit down and write something for this LIF. I think I have a really good idea for it too. Maybe I can put pen to paper this weekend but no promises. Good luck to all who have submitted so far.

 

Anybody get the Bonus? Too much good material to choose from. I was always fond of The Warning.

 

KevSal couldn't deliver so,

The Schneer? Oh, this "Thirstiest Man" wasn't real.
A man like a pickle in drawings I've seen.
They say he could drink up whole casks at a time.
But I think that's hooey, ya know what I mean?
The truth may not ever be known, that's a fact.
No person's now left that he ever called friend.
No trace yet remains of his life or his quest,
No trace of beggining and no trace of end.

He once put his elbow atop an oak bar
And called for a firkin of finest ferment.
Three days and six barmaids it took for his fill.
Two carriages hauled off the money he spent.
In London he called for the ten schilling best,
In London for Porter brewed chocolate and strong.
A month of hard drinking it took him to quench
His thirst that was steep as it was deep and long.

In Belgium the Schneer's very fondly recalled,
Though they hardly imagined he'd not hit his stride.
There wasn't a gueze or strong ale or witte
Could resist his compunction and into-throat ride.
No Saison was safe, likewise krieks and framboise,
No sour brewed Flanders, not the red and not brown,
No quad, brut, or tripel, no dubbel, or dark,
Was left for the locals when Schneer came to town.

Fine beer was his love and for beer he marched on,
The joy that from malt and hops yeast always turned.
For beer he got up, spent his days, and then dreamed.
For beer both his heart and his pounding thirst burned.
His thirst had no bounds and his stomach no limit.
He'd money to buy what his searching thirst sought.
There wasn' t a style that he didn't enjoy,
Nor beer so expensive it couldn't be bought.

At last to the Kingdom of Socal Schneer came.
There were plenty of people there ready for war.
They'd heard of his thirst and his drinking binge ways,
When the Schneer drank his beer all he wanted was more.
Nobody could stop him, to Alpine he went,
And drank every bottle and keg dry and done.
Lagunitas was next, then Stone, and then Port.
There were oceans of fine beer, then there was none.

He got to Saint Louis with thirst so unbound
It felt like a desert inside of his mouth.
The north side of town was devoid of fine beer.
He sniffed in the air that was flowing from south.
The breeze held the vapor of Budweiser beer.
To Anheuser Busch he set off with great haste.
For too long he'd been without lagers or ales.
He hurried to get what to him was a taste.

It took him three years to drink all of the Bud,
Then three more dispatching the Michelob stock.
It wasn't as good as all he'd had before,
But he drank it all gladly. (Gee, what a shock.)
But this beer he guzzled just wasn't the same.
It filled him, but left his somehow unfulfilled.
He should have known not to drink right from the tank.
That was, so the story goes, how Schneer was killed.

The explosion was greater than dynamite blasts,
And louder than meteors crashing to ground.
It blew up that brewery into fine dust,
And left little pieces for miles all around.
And so , they say, when you enjoy a cold Bud,
The self claimed and advertised King Of All Beer,
A taste still remains of the thirstiest man,
A taste some will argue is essence of Schneer.

 

Schneer Battle? Schneer Battle!

The Schneer, it is said, likes his beer with a head
A nose of banana spiced sourdough bread
A palate discerning, a laugh that is hearty
Still a bristly sort who’s too quiet to party

A constant, continual, waterfall of libations
With a smile and a nod, he stays at his station
Which is situated near
(mind you much to much close)
To the source of the beer
Where he drinks does after dose
Yes the Schneer and his beer are known very well
for everyone present shouts at once to tell
That the Beer in the Scneer turns this bristly lout
Into the life of the party – one worth talking about
With a belly distending and breath growing sour
He launches into lectures hour after hour

It’s Plin-ee not Ply-nee he sharply retorts
Which Santa’s Helper? This one’s from Port
Stella’s for posers
And PBR is for Hipsters
Maltida’s not ever One of the Three Sisters!
The hops in this brew are clearly Cascade
Dryhopped Chinook, and Simcoe as it’s made
With chocolate malts, roast barley and wheat
While the barrel aging imparted a fine trace of peat
The nose is unfortunately dominated by plum
They’ve left all the herbal notes in the tun
Another shoddy craftsman overcharging for brew
Still I traded my nuts for it – 4.5 overall review

Yes Beer to the Scheer runs in him thicker than blood
More important that water, from his seat outside the pub
Waxes on lyrical, prophetic, insightful
Until Beer bests the Scheer then the rest is most frightful

He sputters; calling Blue Moon ‘craft beer’ is a rouse
And I only drink lambic that’s been blended to gueze
But I also drink lambics he quickly retreats
As the beer on his lips trips the stool with his feet
I know what I said, he snaps off without thinking
Still talking in circles and never stops drinking
As Beer tips the Schneer’s well quenched cerebellum
He scoffs, real Gueze is made only in Belgum
No Bel-gium, he corrects, overreaching each vowel
Stammering and spilling, using his shirt as a towel

As the sun breaks the morning and the doors open wide
The seated and sleeping stretch to a stride
But the Scheer is not here, he’s not here for the beer
The beer that is limited, released and so near
That he drove for, cajoled for, lost his place in the scrum
As he sleeps off the drinking that turned his tongue numb.

While the rest of the crowd, his audience, enjoys a new taste
The Schneer, without beer, leaves without leaving a trace.

Fin.

(seriously I can't write any more of these tonight!)

 

You two are nuts. Great stuff.

 

Goodnight and good luck all. This was hecka fun.

Thank you?

 

Seems like my foiled project spark some inspiration!
Couldn't deliver, had to do it all by mouse, couldn't bring home my bamboo pen to work on it and the suspense was too much. Really enjoyed this thread

 

Thanks normyk, this was so much fun to do, and I gotta say even more fun to read. Definitely one of the finest LIF ideas, right from the start. Ugh, I love Ickle me, pickle me..., it shall irk me that I didn't immediately think of it, especially as the kids always asked for that one. Pictures of the Doom Saloon gang enjoying your generosity will be posted right here, and an LIF to pass the love forward somewhere above this thread very soon. Doubt I can outdo this idea, but gonna give it a try. Thanks again to you, and to all others who posted here, it has been some very enjoyable reading. Cheers!

Edit: Mmmm, just really sank in, Gilgamesh too? Mannnnnn is it gonna be fun opening these guys with the gang!!!!!

 

Great LIF and some awesome entries!

 

Damn it! I knew I should have had the narrator shoot the Schneer.

http://beeradvocate.com/community/t...-creativity-required.30269/page-2#post-381762

Will I never learn?

Great LIF, wonderful entries, well well deserving winner.

 

cavedave, I hope we get some rhymes from you and your group narrating the tasting! Huge congrats!!

Awesome LIF, normyk!

 

I could read my poem, "I Couldn't Stop Rhyming One Magical Day", but I think my pals all would flick cigar ashes at me, it's 7 pages long. We'll see what we can do

 

To normyk I raise I raise my glass this lucky summer day!
Two fabled beers of finest taste have passed my lucky way.
When kindness finds its voice in life then karma comes to play.
May equal kindness circle round and come to normyk.

Cheers, my friend I've never met, may we one day share a fine beer and raise glasses together.

I will post the tasting photo/video. Expect a LIF from me real soon, already have the idea.

 

Damn! Well thanks to normyk, my 'runner-up' box came today with one of these in it:
Batch. 007 - Brew: 12/14/2010
Bottle: 9/9/2011
Conditioning yeast: Rockpile

CHEERS!