Worst Beer Review Descriptions

Excerpts from that barrel-aged thing Labatt produced, and the only review I think I've ever done that is more-or-less angry:

T - Tastes like it was aged not in bourbon barrels but in barrels that once contained burnt hair and rotten apples. It doesn't taste like bourbon or beer. It tastes like an experiment gone awry.

O - This beer would be pretty good, if you only eradicated the taste and the smell. I see that, at the time of this review, it has 1 "Want". I can't imagine who would want this, but I am guessing that they must have a fetish for self-injury, or an enemy they have lost all empathy for.

 

I can't think of a worse beer if you can call it that. Sickeningly sweet, anti freeze? Just an abomination of a brew, hard to believe anyone would spend time and money to can this shit. Even more so anyone would buy it twice.

 

Simply put, "this beer tasted like ass"..I don't know what or who's ass is being referred to, though...

 

I described the smell of Shipyard Blue Fin Stout as medical, I'm thinking I meant medicinal or maybe medical meant band-aids

 

Big Sky IPA:

"To be perfectly honest...it kind of smelled like pee. I thought my nose was off or I was imagining things, so without telling my wife what I smelled, I asked her to take a whiff. Her independent conclusion?: 'Um, it kind of smells like pee'"

 

I get that we are supposed to respect beer. But, really, so should the brewers. Unsurprisingly, my lowest-rated "beer" is Bud Light Lime-a-Rita ... I had fun re-reading my review:

Bonus! My second-lowest rated beer is Hurricane High Gravity, and my review contains this gem:

 

I refuse to believe some beers are intended to taste the way they do. When this happens, I review it as such:

" I must have gotten a bad bottle.". Cheers!

 

Pumking: "reminiscent of autumn, only if fall was fabricated by Hallmark. Nothing natural about it. It should come with silver glitter floating inside to complete the effect."

World Wide Stout: "It reminds me of something we might have come up with at a sleepover when I was a kid... we used get into teams, and see who could mix up the most vile drinkable liquid from (edible) household items. I still can't eat mustard because of one of these concoctions."

 

This is fun!

Mine was Gubernija Grand 9.5 Beer

1.81/5 rDev -27.6%
look: 3 | smell: 2 | taste: 1.5 | feel: 2.5 | overall: 1.5

16.9 oz can poured into my SA perfect pint glass. The beer is a hazy gold/orange with a quickly collapsing off-white head.

The nose is of apple juice (seriously) and a bit of cereal grains.

Crap this is bad, it is sweet with overpowering alcohol. Grainy and solvent like. This may be the worst beer I've had in the past couple of years. ..

The mouth is "enhanced" with very strong carbonation. There is nothing to recommend abut this beer. Sorry but it is a drain pour!

★ 474 characters

 

I love Pumking, but do not disagree with your assessment. To be honest, I would love it if they put silver glitter in it!

 

I find it interesting how many Southern Tier beers are making this thread. In general I don't dislike their sugar bombs ... but they're clearly not for everyone.

 

Unfortunately, it has a strong burnt-toast (more like a burnt hotdog bun) aroma with only some faint mixed berry behind it. Thought maybe I was having a stroke, but no, it's only when sniffing the beer that I get that. Had my daughter take a whiff, and, unprompted, she said "burnt garbage and ginger." She doesn't have the trained nose I do, but kids' senses are supposed to be sharper.

 

I wasn't a huge fan of Founders Spectra Trifecta, as you can see below:

This one pours a golden dark-ish yellow, with a half inch head, and a small amount of lacing.

Smells pretty typically Kolschey, with some spicing and grassiness. The aroma here doesn't tell the whole story of this disaster of a beer.

Does anybody remember that scene in A Christmas Story, where Ralphie drops the F-Bomb (Fuuuuuuuudgeeeee), and his mom makes him put the bar of Lifeboy soap in his mouth? That scene is akin to the flavor profile Founders constructed here. The chamomile flavor just does not sit well with the Kolsch base, to my tastes, it just makes everything taste so soapy and gross. I can tell there's a decent Kolsch underneath here- but the added flavors, the ginger, the lemongrass, and ESPECIALLY the dreaded chamomile, are just unnecessary and detract from everything.

It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

On to the mouthfeel, it's fairly crisp and Kolschy, but not all that drinkable due to the horrid flavor. I couldn't finish the pint, and I can usually finish anything.

This was a disgrace. It...it...twas...soap...poisoning!

 

I didn't think this was THAT bad...but dear Gods in Valhalla, it wasn't good.

 

Or Bullfrog Crime of Passion, which was actually painful to drink:

This pours a murky reddish-brown-ish color, almost like weird Coca-Cola. It looks essentially still.

This smells like an acetone nightmare- nail polish remover, stinging fetid vinegar, and maybe, just maybe, underneath all of that- some fruitiness. I also get some paint thinner, and possibly actual paint. Don't try to look for the fruit, though- because that means you'll have to smell this beer for longer than two seconds. Not recommended.

I can't honestly imagine why Bullfrog thought it was a good idea for their reputation and the public's health to release this one. It it just horrid going down, I drank maybe 4 sips so I could get enough for a review, but it was a painful process. It burned going down, and had just the worst stale burning vinegar taste, along with nail polish remover (or at least, what I imagine that tastes like- I've never personally ingested nail polish remover- at least knowingly), and just a wash of acetone everywhere. It's way too sour, way too lactic, and just has a chemical-ridden feel to it that I can't get behind. If I hold my nose, and stare deep into the abyss, I can get a little bit of fruitiness that I guess must be the kiwiberries.

This is very lightly carbonated, which makes it weird that the carbonation is still so prickly and metallic. Ugh.

This is up there with the worst beers I've ever had. It's one of the only beers I've had that actually was painful to drink. It hurt going down. Do not drink this beer. Just don't.

 

I entered this rating just so I could post it.

Ahem. Magic Hat's Wacko, the Worst Craft Beer I've Ever Had:

"When I was a wee lad, I used to have to accompany my grandmother to the hair salon for her monthly permanent -- the process of which created a fetid stench. This beer smells like a permanent."

 

These are two back to back sentences from my review for Southern Tier 2XMAS from 2014:

"The smell was pure pickled ginger, like the one you get when you get sushi. The overall taste was like a cleaning agent with lemon and ginger."

Needless to say I did not care for that beer.

 

Agreed. I don't get the Cult Of Watermelon Dorado at all. I'd rather drink a case of Watermelon Lime-A-Rita.

 

Since we are picking things out from our own histories here, I offer this early gem on mine. Widmer Spiced IPA...yeah, the name alone would be a warning Will Robinson now...dont think I disagree with what I said, just an amusing way if putting it. I am totally sure that some of my high score reviews have weird statements buried in there.

Not a big fan. Weak, watery, overly spiced and unbalanced. Maybe just too much spice to it or something. Too difficult to drink and try and unravel. Did not find this beer enjoyable.

Poured a nice orangish bronze color, small foamy head. Lots of spice and fruit aromas - seems a bit schizophrenic to my nose. Taste followed in kind - too much going on for me. Think there is some cardamom taste in there - not a big fan of that particular flavor. Mouth feel was pretty thin and my impression was lack of balance and trying to be everything at once. And I swear over all of that was Bazooka Joe bubble gum...

I save the really off the wall comments for my spreadsheet...