Worst Beer Review Descriptions

"Supercarbonated skunk's ass" - womencantsail (quoting t0rin0)

2011 review of Buck Range Light, which I can attest is the most foul "beer" I have ever had the displeasure of consuming.

 

I can't find much of anything I like about this beer. Pours deep, inky, with no head.
Smells of sour red wine, and chocolate malt.
Tastes wretched. Sour, funk, old shoes, spoiled milk, absolutely disgusting.


Was looking forward to a nice dark dessert type beer. Man was I disappointed.
A- Pours a deep brown with a one finger, very light tan head
S- Smells of alcohol, vanilla, and chocolate
T- Sickeningly sweet taste, weird blend of vanilla, milk chocolate and medicine. Really nasty aftertaste of beef jerky mixed with battery acid.
M- well carbonated, watery, thin, not impressed

 

Stupidity is unlimited but curiosity is not, this stuff smells too bad to taste.

 

"Cherry Robitussin with a shot of espresso...."


"...And then I tasted it....oh god.. it's like burnt toast drizzled with acid... Prickly carbonation and unnatural chemicaly flavors feel like they are leaving mild burns in my mouth. It gets worse as it warms up. The smell is only there to tease me as to how good this beer could/should have been juxtaposed with this abomination."

 

Ha...what a fun Idea. I was able to sort to the bottom of my review list and found two supermarket 'private label' beers and actually chuckled at something I wrote back in 2004:

First...

BEER INFO: Barkley Sound Amber Red Reserve | Cold Spring Brewing Co.

Style: American Amber / Red Ale

Alcohol by volume (ABV): not listed

Availability: Year-round

Notes / Commercial Description:
No notes at this time.

Added by Brent on 10-20-2004

This beer is retired; no longer brewed


1.24/5 rDev -13.9%
look: 1 | smell: 2 | taste: 1 | feel: 1 | overall: 1

Well, here goes with another attempt to find something good to say about our friends a Gluek.

This 'Red' pours a dull copper color with a white foam collar that collapses faster than a Big Ten team at the Rose Bowl.

Clarity?

Nope. Small white particles in suspension.

Aroma?

Sort of...but not much like beer.

Taste?

Dry, rancid, and papery...and I'm being nice here.

It always scares me that folks attempting to 'cross over' to better beers will get something like this because of the name (and the price)...and condemn all non-macros as a result. For that reason alone, I would assign it a negative number for drinkability if it were allowed.

★ 669 characters

IceAce, Dec 13, 2004 Edit Delete



Next...


BEER INFO: Barkley Sound Honey Almond Light | Cold Spring Brewing Co.

Style: American Blonde Ale

Notes / Commercial Description:
No notes at this time.

Added by BeerAdvocate on 08-21-2003

This beer is retired; no longer brewed.

1.64/5 rDev -18%
look: 1 | smell: 2 | taste: 2 | feel: 1 | overall: 1

Anytime the label on a clear bottle contains the words "Flavored Beer" and "Malt Beverage with Honey and Artificial Flavor Added", I must admit that I approach with much trepidation. Seeing the name Cold Spring, MN on the side label doesn't help, either. (Gluek)

The beer poured a crisp golden color with a small collar of foam that collapsed upon itself so quickly that I was unable to establish a color for it.
There are several streams of very large CO² bubbles emanating from the bottom of the glass and a haze of coagulated protein (I hope!) suspended throughout this beer.

The nose is as fake as most of the female breasts in Orange County...part almond, part honey, part putrid...and that is with me keeping an open mind. I believe I made something that smelled this way with my chemistry set when I was 10 or 11 years old.

The taste is just as bad as the nose, although I was able to detect a teeny bit of malt...I think.

Forget the mouthfeel and drinkability as this is a drainpour and a genuine waste of a newly scrubbed beer-clean glass.

★ 1,064 characters

IceAce, Dec 13, 2004 Edit Delete

 

Here is my review of Bison Organic Ginger Ale, a beer (I guess)"

"Organic." The single word that sends shivers into the taste-loving beer drinkers of America. Add to this vile word, the name Berkely, which is home to dirty, freedom-hating hippies, union memebers and communists. The math does not look good.

Nor does this watered down ginger ale. It begins in a massive froth tat fills the glass, and quickly subsides into something that resembles a flat Pepsi.

The nose is bored by a few whisps of apple and cider - nothing substantial. (Imagine your grandmother in her kitchen making apple cider. She stops. Shakes her head and dumps it all into the basin screaming, "This is not fit for my grandchild!"

The taste - what there is - comes across as bland with a minor trickle of apple and bubble gum that is stalked by a shallow spot of malt, one that is either lost or unqualified for a real beer. The mouthfeel is a cross between being harsh and spectacurlarly underwhelming. Bison Brewing. What did the bison ever do to you?

 

Here is my review of steel reserve 211 I never entered it to this site but maybe I will. =)

BLECH! I picked this up to try and get at least one rating in the Malt liquor category and it’s just awful. It was a $1.29 at the grocery store fora tall boy and it smells. Literally. Tastes like gasoline or ethanol to be more exact. Low head retention, piss yellow, it had a kind of strange sweetness, no hops, corn and skunk. Heavy AND watery (how did they do that?) a headache in a glass and a drain pour. The only reason I gave it a 2 instead of a 1 overall was because it had a metallic taste for variety.

 

Nearly choked on my water at work here. Thank you for this.

 

Nigeria Pal - rated as a 1

"Sour smelling brew. Pours a thick and fluffy head and keeps it, which is the one lone redeeming quality of this beer. Smells and tastes like wet paper. Not worth remembering."

 

My review of Guinness Nitro IPA

This was probably the worst beer I have ever had. That said I feel the need to retry this beer as if I remember correctly the one after that was bad too and was a pretty good beer (have had it before and after that). I picked these up as singles at a liquor store and think they somehow did something bad to them. The Guinness was fresh as it had just been released.

 

Part of my review of something called The Concoction from Brooklyn--
"Tastes as if someone tried to make a tea by steeping a sharpie marker in cough medicine".
I gave it a 1 and in hind sight was probably generous.

 

I recently said of a beer I won't name, because I think the bottle was flawed and the brewery is generally good "smells like rancid meat".

 

I actually haven't given many bad reviews to beers so far...

About Southern Tier's Creme Brulee Imperial Stout - "Smells downright putrid. Smells like really intense, artificial vanilla and alcohol. Taste was even worse. This was like a combination of vanilla extract, cough syrup, and cheap vodka."

About Coors Light - "I was very burpy trying to drink this, and the only flavor I was getting out of my burps were from the coffee I drank earlier in the day."

 

Icehouse Edge malt liquor:

Aroma: Corn, and metal. Not as in Korn and Nu Metal. It sort of smells vulgar, and illegal, like there's some unsavory chemicals being used in the mash tun.

 

Southern Tier Warlock:
Looks like a stout, tastes like crap.
Seriously one of the worst beers I've ever had. Would rather have a skunked corona poured down my throat than to ever take a sip from this failure of a beer ever again.
Tastes of rotten, sweet vegetables and spices hit the tongue first, and this taste lingers for 30 minutes after the last sip.
This beer honestly has no redeeming factors, and is the only beer I've had that I would never even want to try again.

 

Deadeye | Triton Brewing Company

1.06/5 rDev -69.5%
look: 2 | smell: 1 | taste: 1 | feel: 1 | overall: 1

This is probably the most vile beer I have ever tasted. So bad I had to write a review warning everyone to pass this by. When the aroma hit me I got an immediate flashback to when I used to change my kids diapers. Following up on the aroma was a taste that made me wonder if this is what diaper rash ointment tastes like.

This is truly THE WORST BEER I HAVE EVER TASTED. Worse than any infected beer, worse than Sam Adams Cherry wheat. DISGUSTING.

 

I have quite a bit of experience with steel reserve from my younger drunker days and your review pretty much nailed it.

 

Watermelon Dorado was the only beer I've had worth insulting.

"Very artificial taste. It’s abrasive. Gut-twisting, unearthing harsh memories as a toddler trying to choke down Benadryl."