Beer Jokes. This should be good...

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not" and disappeared. Heisenberg was sitting at the bar. The amazed bartender asked him, "Did you see that?" Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain." At this point, Schrodinger walks into the bar. And doesn't.

 

Budweiser brews world class craft beer.

I know, makes me chuckle every time.

 

or a NASCAR race

 

Here are several "beer jokes"

Budweiser
PBR
Coors

or is that joke beers?

 

A northerner traveling through Appalachia decided to stop at a little roadside tavern for some refreshment. After he'd had a few, he asked the bartender where the restroom was. He said, "We got a 'two-holer' out back." He goes in just as one of the locals is finishing up. As the local was pulling up his pants, a quarter falls out of his pocket, hits the seat, and drops into the abyss. The local stands there for a few seconds and stares wistfully down the hole. He then pulls out his wallet, takes out a twenty dollar bill, and drops it in. The northerner gapes in amazement and blurts out, "What the hell did you do that for?" The local replies, "Well, I sure ain't goin' in there fer no quarter!"

 

This won't have the same effect without the voice, but a duck walks into a bar and says Got any duck food? The bartender replies This is a bar we don't have duck food. The next day, Got any duck food? The bartender tells him again this is a bar. Bars don't have duck food. The next day the duck shows up again and says Got any duck food? The bartender has had enough and shouts Goddamn it I told the last two days we don't have duck food. If you come in here and ask that again I'm going to nail your feet to the floor. Duck comes is the next day and says Got any nails? Bartender shakes his head no. Got any duck food?

 

A man finishes his last beer and decides it's time to go home, he was so hammered he turns toward the door and falls right on his face. He decides to crawl towards the door and get up there.
At the door he gets to his feet and takes one step, boom! face on the floor again. While laying there he thinks " I'm not that far I'll crawl home"
He crawls a few blocks home, gets up at the front door, opens it and crash back on the floor,"man that Black Tuesday really got me drunk!"
He decides to crawl to his room, at the door way he tries again, boom! back on the floor. "Fuck it l, I'll just crawl to bed"
The man crawls up into his bed and passes out

The next morning he is shaken awake by his wife, he is super hung over and could barely open his eyes. His wife tells him " the bartender called, you forgot your wheelchair at the bar again"

 

Two deer go out for some drinks after work.

After a few hours they head home and one
says to the other............





I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there.

 

I'm remembering that one.

 

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?


















One costs $9.99, the other one's under a buck!

 

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

 

Good for a disapproving chuckle

 

Well more of a bar joke than a beer joke but if you have seen Desparado then you will know this one....

"This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right." Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, foosh, he lets it rip. And he-he's pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere except the fucking glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he's laughing his fuckin' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300." And the bartender's like, "What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."

 

Three legged dog bursts into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw".

 

Penguin walks into a bar.
Says to the bartender " Have you seen my brother?"
Bartender says " I don't know, what's he look like?"

 

A guy is at the bar drinking beer after work with his buddies. He gets too drunk and spills beer all ovet his new shirt.

He says to his friend, "If I come home and my wife finds out I got too drunk and spilled beer on myself again, she is going to kill me."

The man's friend says "Here's what you do, slip a $10 bill into your shirt pocket and tell your wife some idiot drunk at the bar spilled the beer on you and gave you the money to have it dry cleaned."

Impressed with the advice, the man goes home later and walks into his bedroom where his wife is waiting for him. She says "Look at you! You got drunk again and spilled beer all over yourself!"

The man pulls the money out of his shirt pocket, hand it to her and says, "No some idiot drunk spilled beer on me at the bar and gave me $10 to get the shirt cleaned."

She says, "This is a $20 bill"

He says, "Oh yeah, I forgot, he shit my pants too."

 

I prefer a warm Bush over a cold Budweiser any day of the week!

 

A drunk walks out of a bar....................






............................... Hey, anything is possible!

 

One I learned when I was a kid, so it has to be old.

A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of Bud. (This is so far back the local bar only had Bud and Coors. Lite beer wasn't even dreamed up yet.)

The bartender returns with a long-neck and says: Do you know how they make Budweiser?

Patron says: No.

Bartender: Send him to school.

I didn't say it was good, just old.