Your favorite review

I don't think I've ever given something a perfect 5. Maybe Weihenstphan in the weissbier category.

I did once refer to a stout being as black as "The Stygian Abyss" just once though.

 

https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/1146/87402/?ba=socon67#review

I'm not nearly as articulate as some of the great reviewers here, but since this is my only 5 in 2,600+ beers I'd say its my favorite review.

 

My favorite reviews aren't mine. That said, here's a combo of one of mine, & one of my favorites, from @doktorhops , right under it. Check out some of the others, including @Jason 's on the last page.
https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/2480/6537/?ba=mikeinportc#review

How 'bout these two?
https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/29/65/?ba=mikeinportc#review
(My worst beer, ever, btw >) https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/478/271029/?ba=mikeinportc#navigation

Like playing a villain as an actor, sometimes the bad beers can be more fun. You have to get creative to properly convey exactly how it is bad.("Save yourselves! I gave my tastebuds for you.") Normal descriptions don't suffice, because they aren't the normal,expected aromas and flavors.

Good one?
Here's one. Rereading it brought back the aroma of it (Taste? No.) Amazing smell, that I wish I could revisit.
https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/51814/388244/?ba=mikeinportc#review

 

"Food match: Throwing up seems to be a good match - the acridity of the ammonia being forced violently through your oesophagus, and the resulting after taste of that, will pair well with this brew."
This killed me!!! I almost pissed maself.

 

My reviews sucked, but here is my favorite of all time, UGADawgGuy’s Legendary Review of Sam Adams Triple Bock:

I love many of life's indulgences: music, film, food, beer, BeerAdvocate.com, and so on.

With most of my strongest interests, I have a well-documented love for the best of the best...and the worst of the worst. For example, my favorite movies of all time include the widely-acclaimed likes of "One Flew Over the ****oo's Nest," "The Godfather" (parts I and II), and "Rocky." They also include the inimitable "Troll 2," "The Crawlers," and "Manos: The Hands of Fate" (try sitting through the non-MST3K version in its entirety).

As such, when I began to foster an abiding interest in beer, it stood to reason that I should seek out the most infamously bad beers available, in order to further my education and shorten my life. As of the time that occurred to me, Samuel Adams Triple Bock was the most notorious beer discussed on this site's forums. And so I sought it out.

I was sent a bottle of 1997 Triple Bock -- along with a "bonus" bottle of Blue Diamond Stout, straight from China -- by BA EinWeizenBitte. From California to Georgia. For free (i.e., he asked for nothing in return). Thus began my odyssey.

I held onto the already twelve-year-old bottle for a few months after receiving it, until I could share it with as many people as possible under exactly the right circumstances. Those circumstances turned out to be the night of my grandfather's funeral, at my homebrewing uncle's house. I can think of no more appropriate context in which to attempt drinking Triple Bock. My brother and I stepped outside to open and pour the beer.

Appearance: The bottle itself is small, blue, and unassuming. In fact, I'd go so far as to call that delicate vessel attractive. What lurks inside, however, is repugnant.

Upon removing the placebo seal around the cork, and then the cork itself, I was greeted with no evidence of carbonated life. I did my best to pour the beer evenly into two glasses, and it lived up to its reputation: it looked like fetid pond water, rife with suspended algae and the long-rotting carcasses of various aquatic fauna. Chunks of thick sediment clung to the insides of both the bottle and each glass. The end of the pour yielded an audible "plop," the result of a slimy wad of what appeared to be manatee feces entering the glass. My God.

Smell: Please, don't smell it.

Others have likened the stench of Triple Bock to soy sauce, but I suspect something far more sinister is afoot here. The souls of innocent toddlers, slaughtered by a demonic cult? The olfactory distillation of Genghis Khan's tyranny? I'm not sure. Whatever it is, it smells far worse than any soy sauce I've ever encountered.

Taste: In each person's lifetime, one encounters a handful of turning points. A first kiss. High-school graduation. A wedding day. The birth of a child. For me, the moment Triple Bock met my lips was one such turning point.

As soon as the thick, tarry stool sample caressed my tongue, I knew I had been fundamentally changed. The rumors were true. Triple Bock tastes at once sickly sweet (like vomit after you've eaten a stack of pancakes drizzled with maple syrup), bone-chillingly sour (like soy sauce brewed in 1910, or vinegar derived from an eagle's tears), and improbably alluring. A second sip unveiled notes of mulch pile, fresh giraffe manure, and 9-volt battery.

This beer is a revelation.

Mouthfeel: Imagine giving a pint of blood -- you know, as you would at the Red Cross. Then imagine letting that blood partially coagulate, at room temperature, for maybe eight hours. Next, imagine attempting to drink that blood. That's how this nightmare felt in my mouth...and in my soul. As an added bonus, I could do nothing to remove the sensation, flavor, and smell of Triple Bock from my tongue, teeth, palate, and throat for several hours after drinking it. Even hard liquor couldn't cut through it.

Drinkability: Whatever the OPPOSITE of drinkability is, Triple Bock has it. In fact, it's made of it. I'd rather drink my own regurgitated bile than attempt to choke down another sip of this cruel, twisted monstrosity.

True story: While outside, my brother and I poured a little bit of Triple Bock into the bowls of the three dogs who live at my uncle's house. All three dogs, very hungry due to not having eaten since breakfast, ran toward the bowls, then simultaneously retreated by slowly walking backward. They appeared to be concerned that whatever was in there might reward sudden movement by attacking them. Such concerns were probably well-founded.

Truth be told, I strongly recommend Triple Bock to everyone who calls himself a beer connoisseur, just as I recommend "Troll 2" to strangers I pass on the street. There truly is nothing else like it in this world. It deserves every bit of its insidious reputation, and it will take years off your life.

Highly recommended

 

Somebody help me breathe. O_M_F_G!!!!
My new favorite review.

 

Some of these are great! Clearly, it's much more fun to read the bad reviews than the good ones.

 

I like the ones that some guy Rahul does, where he speaks of himself in the third person.

 

Thanks for the shout out mikeinportc, I had forgotten how bad Palma Louca was and I almost bought a really cheap six pack in the bottle shop, that was a near miss!

I totally agree that it's more fun to write the bad reviews, it's just not fun enough drinking them to endure the process, I think that's why I mostly write reviews for great beers.

Been a while since I've written. I wish I could say my liver has had a much needed rest but I've got a young family now and just don't have time for it anymore... Ahhh, the memories though

 

Sadly my review of Ocean aged Bud light lime got axed but this monstrosity is still there:https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/435/88082/?ba=mudbug#review

 

No beer can possibly be a 5.0, someone, somewhere, sometime will brew a better on, then what happens?

 

Ah yeah, the memories....
I felt .....not right.... for ~ 45 min afterward. Something was definitely off on that one.
Besides the tick, the thing that made me pull the trigger was that it was an eFriend's birthday, who lives in Brasil (their spelling - who am I to argue? ). I sent her my pic that I took for WBAYDN?. She laughed when she saw what it was. Apparently, it has a reputation.

 

Why can't more than one beer get a 5.0? Drink in the moment.

 

More than one god on Olympus, eh?

 

https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/4/205198/?ba=Amendm#review

This review took the most time and effort. This was my 1st Bret Beer, Little Brett from Allagash.

I purchased a 4-pack, drank one and started writing down my impressions. Good thing I read-up on Bretts so I wasn’t freaked out by the dried horse poop and rotten apples. It took 3 sessions and about 4 pages of paper to come up with this one. I broke the flavors into sour, funk, sweet and bitter, it was the only way I could describe how complex this beer was.

Cheers.

 

Hmmm, whilst I've never given any beer a 5.0, it's not because I don't think it's possible it's just that I've always been able to find some small fault with every beer... however I'm not totally ruling out a brew that is a 5.0 out of this world perfect.

But yeah your point makes sense too.

 

https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/29/1390/?ba=cavedave#review

 

Both the positive and negative reviews on that one are, as one of them said of the beer, Plan 9 From Outer Space-level bad, and therefore, entertaining.

 

5 doesn't mean "best beer of all time", it simply means "beer is perfectly executed in its style" so there could potentially be multiple 5 rated beers in any given style. And in some of the looser styles (ipa for instance) there might be multiple 5 worthy beers that don't even taste that much alike