Beer Jokes Thread

A man walks into a bar during a stout and porter tap takeover and orders a pitcher of IPA. The bartender kindly says we do not have any IPA on tap. The man then orders a pint of IPA. The bartender patiently says it is a dark beer takeover and there is no IPA. The man then asks for a taster of IPA. The bartender decides to try another tact. Do you like to spell, he asked the man. Yes the patron replied. Can you spell the out in stout? O u t the man responds. Can you spell the port in porter? P o r t. Can you spell the f*(% in IPA? The man laughs and says there is no f*(%in IPA. That's what I've been trying to tell you.

 

After drinking beer all day, one fisherman walks to the side of the boat to take a leak. "Man, that water sure is cold," he says. His friend also needs to pee. He also goes over the side, and adds, "Deep, too,"

 

Heard a new one today:

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night
So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.

I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".

How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it", I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00.

A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."

“Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!”

 

The other night as I was finishing the last beer in my six pack I said to myself out loud man you really need to quit drinking. Then I realized I should never take the advice of a drunk who talks to himself.

 

What vitamin does beer contain?

B(urp)

 

A Newfie’s drinking buddie is very sick in hospital. So, to honour him, he goes to their local pub in St. John’s and drinks two beers, one for him and one for his buddie. This goes on for weeks. Then, one day, he just orders one beer. The bartender says: “Oh my God! Did your buddie die?” “No,” the man replied, “I decided to quit drinking.”

 

I was staring at the bottles in the shelf when the clerk came up and asked if I needed help. I told him “yes I do, but I'm going to drink instead”

 

I'm a bit eccentric because I dress like a pirate when I go out. The other day I put some paper towels on my head before going into a local bar. Bartender looks at me, shakes his head and asks if I have some kind of "problem".

"Aye" I says "There's a bounty on me head"

 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo."

 

One more...
A gentleman walks into a bar friday after work, orders 3 beers, sits in a corner, and over the course of an hour drinks each beer down to about the halfway point before getting up and leaving. This continues on for a couple weeks prompting the bartender to ask about the odd behavior. The man replies " I just moved from boston where I used to meet my two brothers for a beer after work on fridays. We would each drink about half a beer before heading home to your families. I miss them terribly, and this is my way to keep that tradition alive.".
This continued on for years. The gentleman would come in, order his beers, slowly drink them, pay his tab and leave.
One day, to the bartenders surprise, the gentleman came in and only ordered two beers. Shocked, the bartender poured two beers. After the man drank them both to the halfway point he tried to pay his tab, however the nartender offered them up on the house adding "sorry for your loss". Confused, the gentleman asked "sorry for my loss? What loss?". The bartender points out the customer only ordered two beers, assuming one of the brothers died the bill was on the house. Laughing, the customer said " both my brothers are alive and well, I just decided to quit drinking!".

 

That was my dad's favorite but it was the Tappan Zee Bridge not a boat. He commuted over it for20 odd years or so. Then the routine carried on into the mens room with him later. Holding on to it for my grandson....the joke that is.

 

Your point illustrated?

 

I need a better phone. Somehow I missed that one @Insomniac posted. Still not sure how that illustrates a point of posting a one liner.

 

It might illustrate the point that brevity is a key part of humor, which was @Ranbot 's point.

Your joke was simply a much longer and more complicated scenic route drive to the same punchline as the other much shorter joke with the same punchline. I will leave it up to others to decide for themselves if the excess baggage of your joke adds to its humor.. My own POV is it does not.

 

That's the beauty of some jokes. The aristocrats is another long winded build up that pays off well.

 

You know society is doomed when we spend more time breaking apart jokes and analyzing them than laughing at them. It's a joke people- laugh. Don't make things more complicated then they need to be.

 

@HouseofWortship I am offended by your comment. It stifles my need to share my inner feelings about these jokes. I accuse you of being a jokist and are suppressing this thread.

 

Is it ok to drop some homemade beer memes here?