Czar-Pushka
Pivzavod AO Hamovnikov /Gaven v Khamovnikakh

Medium amber with pastel lemon trim. There's a small number of flaky, sliver-like floaters, but nothing like what there might have been. Last week I reached for the bottle (stored on its side at the time), and when I placed it upright and peered through the light brown glass, I recoiled in horror. The beer looked like it had been filtered through a Moscow streetwalker's week-old pantyhose. I figured an upright posture for a week or so would keep the worst of the junk on the bottom and out of my mouth. The dingy, pale gray cap manages to retain its structure for a short while after the pour. Very little lace.

The nose is standard Euro pale lager, no better and no worse. Well, okay, maybe a little worse. The beer smells of sour, less than fresh grain with a smidgen of floral hoppiness. Unfortunately, the latter can't quite cover the former. There's no overt nastiness, which is something.

Czar-Pushka is truly vile stuff. Each mouthful starts off acceptably enough if one has very little in the way of expectations: sweet grain with a mild, bitter hoppy bite. It isn't long before things takes a turn for the worse, though it's really more of a veer than a turn since it wasn't heading anywhere good to begin with. Sour, Rancid, Sharply Bitter, Metallic... all four Horsemen of the Beerpocalypse are present and accounted for.

I'm reluctant to let any more of this 'beer' pass my lips, but I need to remind myself of the mouthfeel. I have no memory of it at present since all rational thought was wiped out each time the bottle's contents came in contact with my taste buds. Here we go... not as watery as it might be with a somewhat fizzy feel.

Czar-Pushka is my second beer from this brewery and I can guarandamntee you it will be the last. I'm relatively certain that there's better beer than this in Russia. If not, and if this was the sum total of what was available to me, I would forswear beer for the remainder of my days on earth.

The Czar-Pushka pours a clear golden body and bright white cap. The head retention is respectable and it leaves some nice rings of sticky lace at the outset of the glass. The nose is clean, a touch sweet, and malty with a whiff of perfumey hops/esters (perhaps some higher alcohols). It's smooth and dextrinous in the mouth with a medium-full body and delicate carbonation. The flavor is quite interesting as far as Russian beers go. It seems to use far less adjunct than most of its comrades; its maltiness has a touch of caramel to it; and there's also a slight fruitiness to it. It's backed by a solid bitterness; and it's floral, grassy, and delicately spicy hops come through clearly. It fades fairly quickly in the drying finish with a tide of perfumey-sweet malt that receeds to leave a lingering, dry bitterness. Not bad.

The most pale beer I have ever seen. This beer is one of the lightest I have ever seen. Can't smell much in this beer, maybe adjunct. The taste is better than the looks, has a light malty flavor, still a little watery. I wouldn't get this again, and I would have to think about buying a Russian beer again.

Transparent, faded yellow appearance, blessed with a big white head that fizzles down with a quickness.
Aroma: nothing, discounting the corn.
Taste: vapid, vacant, flinty, flakey, absent of all of the things any beer should be endowed with, lacking body, flavor, malt, hops, equipped merely with that sad corn character.
Save your sheckles, folks, this is just a big bottle of nothing at all!