A:M Black Raspberry
Minhas Craft Brewery

 

 

There are times that I wish that I had never undertaken The CANQuest (TM) and they usually involve a product (not a beer, per se) from Minhas Craft Brewery, the shame of Monroe, WisCANsin. Here is another such instance.

From the CAN: "Premium Malt Beverage with Natural Flavor and Certified Colors."

"Natural Flavor"?!? Who's zoomin' who, here? Nothing about anything that comes from Minhas is natural. Once I accomplished the Crack!, I began the Glug, only to feel my stomach begin to burble and churn. It had a finger of pinkish that fizzled like pop and disappeared. I wanted to disappear! It sat in the glass like a defiant child, daring me to make a move in its deep purple direction (SRM = N/A) with NE-plus quality clarity. Gah! It smelled like Black Raspberry Jell-O that had not yet set. It was not going to set well in my tummy, either. My first sip took me right back to where I had left off with A:M White Citrus as CyberChandler, a Cyberman created as the result of ingesting so many inhuman beers. My shiny aluminum body armor reflected the pretty purple liquid nicely and I raised a toast to my fellow cybernauts, especially #TheOldLady, who must have followed me down a real wrong path. The mouthfeel was fizzy and the sweetness of the natural flavor might have been overwhelming for a humanoid, but for me, it was perfect. It tasted like Mad Dog or any other fortified wine, berry-like, but of an unidentifiable source. My gag reflex was long gone or I might have spewed this liquid all over everything. It really helps to be non-human when drinking an inhuman "Premium Malt Beverage". Some of my circuitry began to register as malfunctioning as the high ABV began to take hold. I took hold of #TheOldLady's hand unit to steady myself as my internal gyroscope sputtered and I began to take on a starboard list. I must put this on the list of things to only drink if CANtinued human existence is no longer a CANsideration. Checking my time sensors, I realized that this beverage was causing me to freeze up while time passed normally. I had lost 30" while lapsing into "Stare Sraight Ahead" mode! Recovering, I deCANted the last of the CANtents from the CAN into the glass and prepared for what should undoubtedly be a grand finale. Speaking of which, the finish was sweeter than CANdy and could cause headaches and hangovers in functioning humanoids. Fortunately for me, I had evolved into something else and it was just a matter of time before our invasion force would be ready to subsume anyone who gets in our way. I leave it to your learned discretion as to whether you would want to take this on.