CJ (Crunk Juice) Mango Peach
Minhas Craft Brewery

There are those times during The CANQuest ™ that The Law of Unintended CANsequences rears its ugly head. When I first set out on this epic journey, I was blissfully unaware of Minhas Craft Brewer and their line of products.

From the CAN: “Contains Alcohol – Drink Responsibly”; “No Minors”; “We I.D.”; “www.cjcrunk.com”.

I should not fear any beer, but I have dealt with Minhas products before and it ain’t pretty. I Cracked! It open and saw that it was brimful, so I CANducted an inverted Glug, which produced a brief finger of fizzy white head with absolutely no retention. Color was an unnatural neon greenish-yellow (SRM = N/A) with NE-plus quality clarity, enabling me to peer through the fence and into the alley, where the Cybermen were already assembling! Nose smelled like gasoline tinged with fruit esters and I began to cry. Why must such things exist?!? I took my first sip of this vile liquid with its watery mouthfeel. It burned like I had squeezed a block of Sterno into the glass and set in on fire before drinking. My esophageal airway began to CANstrict and the first throes of Cyberhood were upon me! I no longer needed to breathe as my brethren burst through the fence to reclaim me. The tramp of metal boots could be heard throughout the neighborhood and my joints were becoming heavy and metallic. On my second draught, I let it roll around on my tongue to attempt to get a grip on what was transpiring, but that was a mistake of the highest order. It burned my mouth, my sinuses, my nasal cavity and suddenly, I had no further use for a tongue or voicebox. I was rendered mute and my heart began to slow and stop just before my chest became encased in metal.

“Welcome back, CyberChandler,” I heard the CyberLeader say.

“I hear and obey, your excellency, “ I replied, perhaps only in what was left of my mind.
“You have long thrusted and parried with us, eluding us only thanks to the presence of The Doctor. We understand that he is in the process of regeneration at this time and not expected until the weekend, at the earliest. It will be our pleasure to finally induct you into our ranks.”

I could say nothing. I stood out from the others with my glasses and beard as some things are apparently impervious to being subsumed. I walked (stomped?) over to my place in the ranks and stood at attention, glass in hand, awaiting further orders.

“Finish your CyberBeverage, CyberChandler,” said the CyberLeader.

I no longer remember why I was not in favor of it. It was tres delicioso. It had wonderful notes of mango and peach and was perfect for a non-human entity such as myself. The finish left me in a state of peachy bliss, wishing to do the Mango Wango Tango one last time, but we were on the march and my thoughts were no longer my own.

Please see CJ Watermelon for the next installment in this saga.