Beer Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'Beer Talk' started by Gajo74, Mar 26, 2020.

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  1. Gajo74

    Gajo74 Pooh-Bah (2,795) Sep 14, 2014 New York
    Pooh-Bah Trader

    We all have a lot of time on our hands and need a good laugh. I remembered the following thread:
    https://www.beeradvocate.com/community/threads/beer-jokes-this-should-be-good.430948/page-3
    Unfortunately it’s closed. Can we re-open it? Me first.

    A drunk staggers out of a bar and sees two priests. He slurs to the 1st priest “do you (hiccup) know who I (hiccup) am? I’m Jesus (hiccup) Christ!” The priest responds “ no my son, you are not him” The drunk then repeats the same claim to the 2nd priest, who replies “I’m sorry my son but you are not the son of God”.

    Undeterred, the drunk grabs the two priests by the arm, escorts them to the bar and slurs “ I will (hiccup) prove to you I’m Jesus (hiccup) Christ”. When they enter, the bartender groans “Jesus Christ you’re back!!”
     
    #1 Gajo74, Mar 26, 2020
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  2. FBarber

    FBarber Grand High Pooh-Bah (7,325) Mar 5, 2016 Illinois
    Mod Team BA4LYFE Society Pooh-Bah Trader

    2 of my favorites:

    A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze with it?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

    ______________


    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and sat down next to it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

    Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

    The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
     
    #2 FBarber, Mar 26, 2020
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  3. cavedave

    cavedave Grand Pooh-Bah (4,157) Mar 12, 2009 New York
    In Memoriam Pooh-Bah Trader

    You know you have a drinking problem when you wake up in the morning in ripped clothes, at the bottom of your front steps, with your car keys in your hand, and the lawn is ripped up with tire tracks, and the hedges are run over, and you think to yourself, "Well, least I made it back from the bar." Then you remember you stayed home last night.
     
    #3 cavedave, Mar 26, 2020
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  4. Gajo74

    Gajo74 Pooh-Bah (2,795) Sep 14, 2014 New York
    Pooh-Bah Trader

    Why doesn’t Jesus buy beer?
    Hebrews
     
    #4 Gajo74, Mar 26, 2020
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  5. Ranbot

    Ranbot Pooh-Bah (2,463) Nov 27, 2006 Pennsylvania
    Pooh-Bah

    That's the stuff! More 1 or 2 liners please. I don't think I've ever heard story-joke worth the punchline unless told by a professional comedian.
     
    #5 Ranbot, Mar 26, 2020
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  6. cavedave

    cavedave Grand Pooh-Bah (4,157) Mar 12, 2009 New York
    In Memoriam Pooh-Bah Trader

    Maybe post a few of your own of that type to show us what you mean, and keep us motivated?
     
    #6 cavedave, Mar 26, 2020
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  7. Gajo74

    Gajo74 Pooh-Bah (2,795) Sep 14, 2014 New York
    Pooh-Bah Trader

    How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer.
     
    #7 Gajo74, Mar 26, 2020
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  8. milkshakebeersucks

    milkshakebeersucks Pooh-Bah (2,392) Feb 10, 2020 Maryland
    Society Pooh-Bah Trader

    What's the difference between hops and chickpeas?

    Trump would never pay for hops on his face
     
    #8 milkshakebeersucks, Mar 26, 2020
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  9. lordofthewiens

    lordofthewiens Grand High Pooh-Bah (6,225) Sep 17, 2005 New Mexico
    BA4LYFE Society Pooh-Bah Trader

    What do you get when you cross a potato with a penis?
    A dictator.
     
    #9 lordofthewiens, Mar 26, 2020
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  10. Gajo74

    Gajo74 Pooh-Bah (2,795) Sep 14, 2014 New York
    Pooh-Bah Trader

    Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean.....against walls, chairs and tables.
     
    #10 Gajo74, Mar 26, 2020
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  11. Ranbot

    Ranbot Pooh-Bah (2,463) Nov 27, 2006 Pennsylvania
    Pooh-Bah

    I would but I don't remember any beer-specific jokes requested, but this is kind of close...

    A grasshopper sits down at a bar and the bartender says, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?" The grasshopper looks at him strangely and says, "Why would you name a drink Bob?!?!"
    (^ that's as long of a story I can handle for a joke)

    And pirates like to drink so...
    What's a pirate's favorite letter? ARRRRRR!

    How do you know if you're a pirate? You just ARRRR!

    How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ear pierced? A buccaneer!

    You asked for it, @cavedave!

     
    #11 Ranbot, Mar 26, 2020
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  12. HouseofWortship

    HouseofWortship Pooh-Bah (2,735) May 3, 2016 Illinois
    Pooh-Bah Trader

    At what point do you throw away a billions dollars? The Ballast Point!
     
    #12 HouseofWortship, Mar 26, 2020
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  13. shlub

    shlub Crusader (401) Jan 11, 2008 Minnesota

    Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks.
     
    #13 shlub, Mar 26, 2020
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  14. NYR-Zuuuuc

    NYR-Zuuuuc Maven (1,351) Jan 1, 2013 Connecticut

    Penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Have you seen my brother?"
    Bartender says 'I don't know, what's he look like?"
     
    #14 NYR-Zuuuuc, Mar 26, 2020
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  15. NYR-Zuuuuc

    NYR-Zuuuuc Maven (1,351) Jan 1, 2013 Connecticut

    A Priest, Rabbi and a Blonde walk into a bar.
    Bartender says, 'What is this, some sort of Joke?"
     
    #15 NYR-Zuuuuc, Mar 26, 2020
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  16. DragonflyJones

    DragonflyJones Devotee (399) Mar 22, 2018 Illinois

    A Roman walks into a bar
    He holds up two fingers and says "Give me five beers.”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What's an Irish vacation?
    A different bar.
     
    #16 DragonflyJones, Mar 26, 2020
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  17. Amendm

    Amendm Pooh-Bah (2,601) Jun 7, 2018 Rhode Island
    Society Pooh-Bah

    Some old friends are drinking at a bar. One guy says " I gotta get home, the wife was mad as hell because I came home drunk with beer all over my shirt last week."

    One of his friends says " Man up and have another beer." So he does. An hour later the guy is loaded and spills beer all over his shirt. "Oh no, the wife is going to kill me this time".

    One of the guys friends says " Listen, just put a 10 dollar bill in your pocket so it sticks out so she can see it and tell her some other guy spilled his drink on you a gave you the 10 spot for dry cleaning".

    So the guy staggers home and his angry wife is waiting at the door. The guy says " Honey, some guy spilled a drink on me and gave me $10 to have it cleaned".

    The wife says "That's a 20 in your pocket".
    The guy says "That's because he shit my pants for me also.
     
    #17 Amendm, Mar 26, 2020
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  18. SierraNevallagash

    SierraNevallagash Initiate (0) Sep 23, 2018 Maine
    Trader

    A lot of these are bar/drinking jokes. I wanna see some cheesy beer jokes!

    What is the brewery in The Sims video game called? Sim Co.

    Steve bet Lee $10 that he wouldn't eat a whole cup of brewer's yeast. To his amazement, Lee ate it all in one go. The next day, Steve comes by and presents the money. "Hi Lee! A ten - you ate it!".

    How did a beer make a living in the forest?

    He became a lager.

    Don't judge. I came up with these in like two minutes.
     
    #18 SierraNevallagash, Mar 26, 2020
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  19. Bitterbill

    Bitterbill Grand High Pooh-Bah (7,036) Sep 14, 2002 Wyoming
    BA4LYFE Society Pooh-Bah

    Do you know who I am?...Do you mind asking around?

     
    #19 Bitterbill, Mar 27, 2020
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  20. Gajo74

    Gajo74 Pooh-Bah (2,795) Sep 14, 2014 New York
    Pooh-Bah Trader

    Craft Beer. It isn’t alcoholism. It’s a hobby.
     
    #20 Gajo74, Mar 27, 2020
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