Why can't I find a beer I like?

I know where you are coming from OP. I truly can't understand how people enjoy IPAs. I've tried many and I've tried some that are better than others but there is no way that I find it to taste pleasant. Bitter things just aren't enjoyable. I can't relate to bitter things. I don't eat anything that is bitter. Try eating a spoonful of cocoa powder and if you like it you either would like IPAs OR something is wrong with you. I think it would be more accurate to erase the "OR" in my last sentence and just state that there is something wrong with you. lol.

I think we have similar taste buds OP. Now I can't call myself a beer expert but I know of some beers that you should try since I'm also a fan of malty things. I won't give you ridiculous recommendations as my colleagues may give you... aka beers that even a beer wizard couldn't find. Most of these are easy to find:

Try:
Allagash Tripel Ale (this beer is so damn tasty I just wish they could make it at a lower abv, almost the perfect beer for me, 9% abv does a number on me)
Matilda - people with proper taste buds rejoice! Wow, so malty, with fruit, and so smooth. abv is at 7%. Nice!
Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier OR Ayinger Brau Weisse - Is there anyone on earth that doesn't like a good banana bread? If you haven't had a good banana bread go make one, find a recipe. Then try these Hefeweizens because they are like banana bread in a glass. Perfect summer beers.
Ommegang Abbey Ale - This is malty goodness! It is 8.2% abv and you will taste a slight zing of alcohol. To me if they could blend the alcohol just a tad better this would be a homerun 100 on BA. If they just lowered the abv to 7% they would do it for me. Kill two birds with one stone. Still an amazing beer.

Basically this is what you want to do. Look for Belgian and German beer styles. Stay far away from American beer styles unless they are trying to pay homage to a Belgian or German styles. Trust me, I've learned the hard way. American beer styles just want to dip bitters into everything.

Oh and you are correct, stay away from Porters. I just bought Founder's Porter because of the outstanding reviews. It just isn't my type of tea... or should I say coffee. Since it tastes like a very strong coffee. Try the ones listed above and you will have a new beer friend.

I'd really like to try Lambics and Gueuze styles of beer but I can't get my hand on any of those highly rated ones straight from Belgium. Eh, what I'd do to just try them! I can get any Dogfish head beers you desire. Trade with me people. haha.

 

Start your drinking sessions with Hop Stoopid, follow it with a Ruination and an Arrogant Bastard. After that you won't taste anything anyway, so you'll be able to drink anything.

 

Sometimes you have to cut your losses and walk away. Craft beer shouldn't be "difficult." No hobby should be.

 

Speak for yourself Michael Jordan.

.... every hobby should be difficult or you aren't very passionate about it.

 

I politely disagree...Beer drinking is easy for me and it's a hobby of mine. Right now the craft beer thing is hip and there are lots of people fooling themselves into liking beer in general to be cool or fit in. Nobody should learn to love anything.

 

Maybe wine would be more to your liking..

 

"God....this....beer...tastes....like...shit....but....must...force...down...as...this...is...my...hobby...and...I...love...it"

 

I would suggest some Belgian beers, like ABT12 mentioned above or Chimay Blue.

You also might like brown ales, if you seem to like the malty beers. Try some Smuttynose Old Brown Dog or Sam Smith Nut Brown Ale.

 

I honestly think you're trolling? but could care less if that is the case...I'm not even going to respond to any of your beer gibberish and only add that if you "take your coffee with 10 sugar cubes" you have automatically disqualified yourself from any true discussion on beer, coffee, cider and probably any other respectable liquid...carry on.

 

There is a large population of people whom just don't like the taste of beer. You are one of them. Don't force it, just embrace something else.

 

You'd have been better off if you had. Drink cider.

 

I would suggest that you try a brown ale, but maybe you're just not a beer guy.

 

If you want a really sweet beer try Sam Smith's Organic Chocolate Stout, definitely one of the sweetest stouts i've had. As for me though, when I first got into beers I stuck to sweet/flavored beers. For instance, I would try witbiers or hefeweizens, like Weihenstephaner or Namaste by Dogfish Head. As for flavored beer, try pyramid apricot ale, a lot of my non-craft beer drinking friends like this.

 

I hate to say this but try the adjunct lagers. Some of which are tremedously sweet with all the corn they use and to my palate closely resemble the sweetness in a soda. You are not gonna find a beer that is 10 sugar cubes of sweet. Or if you do few and far between. Schmaltz sweet 16 was actually that sweet. The part about the taste of ass, I don't get that. I have had a lotta beer and I taste a variety of flavors. I would start with lagers some of which have a malty sweetness that I find delightful. Next try a good pilsner, then a black lager and stay away from hops for the time being. After that a a brown and a porter and then a stout. Sit with these beers and employ a good amount of time to tasting them. Use the same techniques as for tasting wine. Let the beer coat your palate then swallow. Read the reviews see if you can pick up any of the same things. Move on to IPA's and hoppier styles after you decide that you do like beer.

 

wow, that is a lot of words

 

Get your hands on a few oktoberfest style beers. Rich, malty, low to no bitterness, low to no roasted flavors - might be right up your alley. Great Lakes makes my favorite, but I also like Victory and Brooklyn's versions.

 

This is an odd phenomenon. Why would anyone struggle to enjoy craft beer. I kind of wish I didn't like it so much. The stuff ain't cheep.

For me the only comparison I can draw is fancy scotch. I hate it. I have a few good friends who are really into it, so I've had the opportunity to try quite a few highly regarded ones. I tried to keep an open mind and sample different ones, but I sure didn't waste any time or money on it. After several times having to sheepishly offer my glass of fancy scotch to a friend because I couldn't finish it, I stopped bothering. I just don't like scotch.

I think it might be time for you to stop trying with beer. You don't like it.

 

My advice is to give up. If you haven't been able to find a beer you like among all of the types and variations available, it isn't worth the time to continue the search. I tried to do the same with wine and realized I just didn't like any of it, no matter how good, dry, sweet, etc.

 

You realize that you're on the internet, right?