Beer Wasteland: A Survival Guide for Desperate Situations

We’ve heard about the good beer cities of all sizes across the country, but what about the bad beer cities? The ones where the welcome sign at the city limits should read: “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”

Across the United States lay pockets of wasteland outside the reach of the nation’s craft breweries. These beer deserts are found naturally in remote towns far from the comfort zones of major distributors, or they can be formed artificially when the government places restrictions on alcohol content or through other laws regulating the sale of beer.

Whether they are natural or manmade, the symptoms of a beer wasteland are all the same: The local bars have three beers on tap and three more in bottles—all go well with a lime; the liquor store has one or more refrigerators filled to the brim with beers—the same six beers they had at the bar; and the nearest brewpub or microbrewery requires a road trip. For those whose palates require challenge and crave diversity, these beer deserts may as well be as barren and dry as Death Valley. But if you find yourself trapped in such a wasteland, do not despair, for there is hope. Like Virgil leading Dante through the pits of Hell, let this guide lead you safely to survival in an otherwise uninhabitable clime.

Search the Surroundings
The No. 1 rule in surviving any situation is to keep a calm head on your shoulders. When things look bleak, just remember that even the Sahara has oases.

The trick is finding these beacons of beerdom in your area. Sometimes a good liquor store is just a town or two away, or even within your hometown. Calmly sit yourself down at your computer, type “BeerAdvocate.com” into your browser and head straight to the BeerFly tool.

Search your area for the nearest liquor store or beer bar that can provide you with relief from the desert heat. If you happen to live in California or Arizona with no local source for crafts, seek out the nearest Beverages and More. It’s a chain store that doesn’t have the charm of the neighborhood bottle shop, but with close to 500 different brews to choose from, it can be a one-stop shop for the beer connoisseur on a mission.

But if nothing’s available in the immediate area, doing nothing about it could result in the death of your taste buds. If your surroundings aren’t providing any shelter, it’s time to move on.

Head for the (Super)Highway
With nothing nearby, it’s best to head toward the nearest road. Good beer could be just a relatively short road trip away.

You could hop in your car and simply head toward the nearest major city, but a few moments to plan and pinpoint your destination could mean the difference between survival and a fruitless journey. Again, the BeerFly tool comes in handy here, but so can Google searches, and a multitude of forums and discussion boards on the subject.

Find a spot, find a car and then get yourself there as quickly as (legally) possible. Even for those who live in restrictive states like West Virginia (6-percent cap on ABV), a jaunt can help keep a beer drinker sane.

Take, for example, BeerAdvocate.com-user and West Virginia-resident aherberger: “Hey I live in a wasteland of a state so it’s not like I can even run to the nearest big town. I do a fair job of (keeping) the beer retailers in PA, NY, OH and MD afloat. I travel at least twice a year to western New York, and travel for work to MD all the time. I also plan a trip or two to PA and/or OH to stock up. It makes it kinda fun to road trip for beer. I like to complain about the beer situation in this bassackwards state, but all in all I have no problem getting most of the beer I want.”

But of course, driving isn’t always an option when drinking is involved. Keep in mind your tolerance and the legal limit when traveling to visit a bar or brewpub.

Call for Help
Part of being prepared for survival means knowing you can’t always save yourself. Don’t be ashamed to put out a call for help.

The first stop is to ask your local liquor store. Chances are good that the store has the ability to get its hands on a wider selection of brews from its distributor than it chooses to put on its shelves. The folks in charge may be willing to save you from your thirst by ordering an extra case or two of something new—especially if they recognize you as a regular customer.

Or perhaps you’re stuck on the East Coast, craving West Coast hop bombs. You can bet that there’s someone on the left craving a specific lager from the right. Organizing a trade through an internet forum can be scary, but the risk is worth the reward if it means indulging in a new brew that seemed too far out of reach.

Trading is partly how BeerAdvocate.com-user whiterascal survives the wasteland known as Kirksville, Miss. “So far, I have had great experiences with trading,” she says. “There is a little hesitance to trade with newbies it seems, but overall I think the community has been very welcoming and helpful. Since I’m just getting into it, I wouldn’t say that I have a lot of experience with trading, but so far it has all been positive. I plan to seek out trades to specifically get the styles, like sours, that I am just getting into, but that can’t be found out here. My biggest hurdle will be finding beer from this area that people are actually interested in trading for.”

Still dying trying to find an elusive brew? Give the brewery itself a call. They likely won’t be able to help you directly, but can point you in the direction of a retailer you can contact who may be willing to fill your order over the phone.

Save Yourself
For some, there is no easy road to salvation. Maybe the region is too remote, a beer wasteland so desolate that nothing can save them. Even for these lost souls, there is hope.

If good beer cannot be bought, it can be made. With a visit to HowToBrew.com and one of numerous online homebrew supply shops, one can create his own oasis in a beer desert. With little more than a stovetop, a large kettle and a plastic bucket, an endless array of styles and flavors can be had at home.

Homebrewing can put an end to the nomadic lifestyle of wandering for quality beer. You don’t even have to be lost in a wasteland to take up the hobby, as it’s a great way to better understand the makeup and complexities of good commercial offerings.

Living in a wasteland isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to be a death sentence. Just remember to keep calm and take a serious look at your options. It may seem bleak at the moment, but survival can be as easy as a brewday away.

Lost in Transportation
Have you finally had enough of living in a beer wasteland and decided to take to the skies to get to a more beer-friendly destination? Maybe you’re making a trip cross-country to get to a beer fest or to tour your favorite brewery. Good luck.

• Even when the weather is good, travel by airplane can be hit or miss. Add in a winter blizzard or a summer thunderstorm, and you have better chances of spending the night in the terminal than you do of catching your flight on time.
• Just remember to follow the golden rule of survival: Don’t panic. Search your surroundings and find the place that looks most likely to have a wide selection of brews either on tap or in bottles.
• If you’re stuck in an unfamiliar part of the country, pull up a stool at the bar and ask what the local brew is. You may find something you weren’t expecting that can make that four-hour layover a little more bearable.
• And it probably seems a little counterintuitive that an airport bar can be a source of quiet and refuge, but it’s the best place to avoid that crying baby or those unaccompanied minors who are stirring up tension around the gate. The airport bar crowd is usually made up of solo passengers just trying to pass the time.
• Just remember not to sit next to the guy who looks like he spent the night in the airport. He probably did, and probably spent the whole morning at the bar. Enjoying a drink with a stranger is a great way to meet new people, but enjoying a drink with someone who’s been enjoying them all day is a great way to get a beer spilled all over your carry-on luggage.

Hopefully, with a little bit of luck, you can survive an airport holdover and reach your destination where dozens of tap lines are calling your name. ■