Bubble, Bubble…

You know, there are times when I get bored. Not just your usual “blah, bored”—I’m talking full-on “please baby Jesus provide me with some form of entertainment to keep me from taking heroin” type of boredom.

I was so bored a few months back that I started browsing gadget sites—a dangerous habit for a nerd, since I’ll inevitably see 20 things begging me to spend my money.

During my ennui-induced browsing spree, I stumbled across a countertop soda water maker; the kind where you pop in a proprietary CO2 cartridge and bottle to produce sparkling water or soda. One-hundred-plus dollars for a little fizz in your water? And even more if you want flavor? That boils my cheap, cheap blood.

After all, I’ve already spent the ducats on a kegging setup. (You haven’t? You enjoy bottling? Get thee behind me, Satan!) Since we’ve got the gear, tell those countertop folks to go spit. You can make your very own “two cents plain” soda water with your gear for less than two cents a glass.

Following the National Homebrewers Conference, I have a shockingly large supply of empty kegs. Thanks to this odd duck of a situation, I can dedicate a 3-gallon keg to the fine art of sparkling water. This is important because flat water sucks. Just fill a keg with filtered water, set your regulator at 20 psi, shake the keg for 10 minutes and you’ll have an improved glass of H2O. Too non-alcoholic for you? Add your favorite whiskey and ice to a glass and give her a snort for an old-fashioned whiskey and soda.

Plain soda too plain? Cram some flavorful oils in there. I’ll zest a lime or two (or any citrus fruit) into a small amount of water and boil for 15 minutes. The zest will release potent oils. Filter through a fine mesh sieve before adding to the rest of the water before carbonation. Now you’ve got refreshing, zippy water that’s perfect for a hot afternoon… or a shot of rum.

If you want something crazier than that, I recommend purchasing a separate set of O-Rings because these flavors can hide in the rubber gaskets and infuse your beer. You can try the soda extracts you find in your local shop, but meh. I prefer to go to specialty retailers like OliveNation.com to buy individual extracts to mix my own flavors.

Sticking with oils and extracts means you don’t have to worry about the spontaneous fermentation that comes with any sugary substance. If you want lemon juice, cherry juice, et al, then you need to get that keg well sanitized and keep it cold to prevent an unexpected sour fermentation. If you want an American soda, add sugar via simple syrup for sweetness or use pre-sweetened Italian soda syrups.

My grandparents inculcated me in the world of gin and tonics for summertime cocktail hour. Once you’ve hopped onto the sparkling water crusade, tonic water or any herbed water is right behind. For tonic, you just need to buy some cinchona bark (or powder), boil it with sugar and water to make a simple syrup, and filter. Not only can you control the quinine bitterness, but you can use less sugar.

Lastly, I present a brilliant idea from the Hospitality Suite at the Homebrewers Conference: the beermosa. I stuck the folks at the Greater Everett Brewers League (GEBL) with a post-club-night morning shift. Since the hangovers were intense, they decided to make the club’s traditional carbonated Tang drink. Dan Hansen and crew took inspiration from the Great American Beer Festival’s beermosas and poured 1 part of Tang to 4 parts of their homebrewed Tripel. Within an hour, the Tripel was destroyed, and they had to serve with a Hefe!

Trust me—give your kegs a taste of something different. ■