When Beer is Not Beer

Playing off of last month’s Beer Smack, where we asked, “Can’t we just all have a beer?” and called beer snobs to the carpet for moaning about the White House’s recent “beer summit,” we’re noticing that sometimes it’s all too easy to forget that beer was meant to be enjoyed. In our opinion, it can often become way too business-centric, unnecessarily elite or just plain silly.

Here are some pet-peeve instances of when beer is not beer.

Beer is not beer when…

• Beer geeks, so called fans of beer, verbally attack brewers for making mistakes or beers they simply don’t like, some with threats of violence.
• A beer requires some form of garnish in order to be marketed or consumable. Why not just brew it to taste good in the first place?
• You feel the need to be exploited on eBay, just to get your hands on a top-rated über-geek beer.
• Brewers race to create the ultimate zero-calorie beer in order to prey on the insecurities of others—with zero soul to match.
• Light beer sales represent nearly half of the national beer market.
• The marketing wrapped around a beer is bigger than the beer; see above.
• Creating a lime-flavored beer to follow the latest trend gets you sued.
• Brewers, especially craft brewers, feel the need to use sex to sell their beer.
• You can’t enjoy a beer without someone criticizing your choice or method of imbibing.
• It’s being served in a glass the size of a thimble and costs more than the number of ounces served.
• You literally cry (or witness someone crying) at a beer fest because you didn’t get a 2-ounce sample of Three Floyds Dark Lord Russian Imperial Stout; true story, we saw it with our own eyes.
• When the “beer is not beer” phenomenon becomes a pet peeve.

To paraphrase homebrew legend Charlie Papazian… why don’t we all just “relax and have a brew.” Beer was meant to be fun. The ultimate social lubricant and bread of life that brings us together. Let’s try to remember that as much as we can. Get back to the basics, if you will; relax, enjoy good beer, without pretension, while respecting it and those who brew it.

Respect Beer. ■