In Loving Memory…

The American Shaker Pint Glass, sometimes called “Conical,” but lovingly just “Shaker,” died recently due to unknown causes.

Born to fit cocktail shakers, he entered the world at 16 ounces and shook libations with pride until publicans eventually discovered his true potential: a cheap way to serve beer.

Shaker went on to be quite stackable, and soon after attended school for branding, acting as a promotional agent for breweries. Unfortunately, he received his share of being shorted, but never lost his popularity.

He also discovered a love for cold climates, often exploring freezers throughout the world and sharing his discoveries of the cold with the beers he met. Some objected to this hazardous activity, but most appreciated his efforts, especially on a hot day.

Shaker is survived by his brother, 20-ounce; sister, 22-ounce; Uncle “Nonic” from the UK; Uncle Stein; cousins Mug, Chalice, Weizen, Stange, Snifter, Pokal and Flute; wife Tulip and his two bastard footed children, 12-ounce and 14-ounce.

There will be no funeral services. In lieu of flowers, beers will be served as 8-ounce pours by Tulip at outrageous prices.

Respect Beer. ■