Converting the Wicked

After more than a decade doing this brewing thing, there are a few issues that I see again and again. One of the trickiest is converting the masses to the gospel of good beer. Like missionaries of old who went solo into “unenlightened” areas, we march forth full of fire and brimstone, railing against the tide of industrial backwash.

But look, all those guys ever did was piss off the natives and possibly end up in a stew pot.

By far, the best way to pull off the conversion miracle is the subtle and quiet way. Modern missionaries refer to this as conversion “by our presence.” I prefer to think of it as “not being a snobby know-it-all prick who makes people reach for the door instead of a pint.”

Ladies and gentlemen, I offer as proof of the success of this method, my older sister, Aimee (who will either consider this article foolish or have me killed for it). Well, not so much proof of my success, but evidence of my notion of “subtle” and “quiet.” See now, my older sister discovered the fine art of drinking beer in college during the late ’80s. (Did I mention she’s older than me?) Since this was in Florida, a state finally catching on to the craft beer thing, she did not develop a taste for worthy brews.

For years, this was my secret shame. I come from a family that doesn’t do real beer. My mom prefers a glass of champagne or a half of cider while my sister preferred her “Light.” I tried everything to convert them, including being an obnoxious twit of a younger brother (a stunningly natural role for me). On one trip through San Francisco, I dragged her from one beer joint to another until we arrived at the Toronado. She begged me for her “Light” beer. I didn’t dare ask the bartender.

I gave up after that. I’d offer a taste now and again. Then, one year, the family spent Thanksgiving in Santa Rosa, Calif., and our hotel was a very short walk from Russian River Brewing.

Night after night, I washed away the day’s wine residue with Vinnie Cilurzo’s amazing beer. Before this trip, my sister told me she’d upgraded to drinking a “Lite” beer and the occasional Guinness. Since RRBC offers no “Lite,” I pointed her to their Blond-style ale, which garnered a “meh” response. I then offered her a glass of their OVL Stout, and that’s when it happened. She liked it! She really, really liked it!

Granted, this wasn’t a lightning-bolt moment of instantaneous change—the next day, she was right back to her “Lite”—but the transformation had begun. It had been many, many years of backbreaking obnoxiousness, but like water washing endlessly over a rock, I’d make a crack. Little did I know that someone else would complete the job.

Fast-forward some time and my sister re-meets an old college beau—a homebrewer, no less. Cupid, angels, hearts and curly little bows, etc. The next thing you know, she’s texting me from Dunedin Brewery’s “Stogies & Stout” festival, raving about the beers. A Barleywine here, a Brown Ale there, and the trickle became a flood. For my birthday, I received Cigar City brews.

When they got married, Chris’ bachelor party consisted of running around to good beer places in lieu of the passé stripper fest. It was there I discovered that his brew stand was incomplete—no pump. Nothing like buying a high-temperature impeller pump as a wedding gift. It’s useful, and it annoyed my sister!

Today, the transformation is complete. A request recently came across the wire—help her design a Pumpkin Ale (another favorite) that she could brew. It only took 12 years. Now, what about my mom … ?

WICKED SISTER PUMPKIN ALE
For 5.5 gallons at 1.054, 23 IBU

Malt / Grain / Sugar / Fruit
7.0 lb. domestic two-row (or Maris Otter)
2.0 lb. Munich malt
1.0 lb. Crystal 60L
2.0 lb. pie pumpkin flesh, roasted and scooped (or 1 big can of 100% pumpkin mix)
Mash for 60 minutes at 153-154°F

Hops
1.0 oz. Tettnang | 4.5%AA | for 60 minutes
0.5 oz Tettnang | 4.5%AA | for 20 minutes
Spices (add at 5 minutes remaining or create a vodka tincture for packaging)
1/4 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. ground ginger
1/8 tsp. nutmeg
1/8 tsp. clove (or allspice)

Yeast
Wyeast 1272 American Ale II ■